The BuzzFeed Community asked readers to share their craziest memories from labor and delivery with us, and holy wow did they come through. If you've never given birth, proceed with caution. No, seriously.
1. "He delivered our baby on our bathroom floor."
"As we were getting ready to leave for the hospital, I thought I was going to poop the turd of the century. I ran to the bathroom. My boyfriend was screaming, 'What are you doing?! We have to go!' And I yelled back, 'I can't stop it! I think I have to poop but this just doesn't feel right!'
My eyes widened and I yelled 'THIS BABY IS COMING NOW.' My poor boyfriend delivered our baby boy on our bathroom floor at 4:50 a.m. So, to my precious, perfect babe, yes. I thought you were a giant, monstrous shit, not a 7 pound, 14 ounce squishy ball of cute."
—Chantel Guidera, Facebook
2. "Her water broke in the middle of a Burger King..."
"When my mom was pregnant with me her water broke in the middle of a Burger King, so she threw down her cup of soda to hide the evidence."
—Catie LaGrasta, Facebook
3. "I taught him in med school."
"I was in mid-labor when a shift change occurred and the OB on call asked if I minded some interns coming through. Not at all, until one of the interns looks up, mid-examination, and asks me whether I taught neuroanatomy at a local medical school. Yeppers. I had taught him in med school. All I could think to ask was whether he had passed my class as I sure as heck wasn't in much of a position to remember him!"
—Jen Kulak, Facebook
4. "I'll never understand how he moved that fast."
"My husband was front and center of the action, and on my second push my water broke violently in a huge, forceful gush. Being a paramedic, my husband is really, really good at dodging bodily fluids. Immediately after my water broke, I heard him say, 'What the hell was that?' from the opposite end of the bed from where he had just been. Not a drop on him; I'll never understand how he moved that fast."
—Brittaney Gilmore, Facebook
5. "Whoa! Somebody pooped in the pool!"
"My baby had a BM [bowel movement] in utero, so the first thing I heard when the doctor opened me up for the C-section was, 'Whoa! Somebody pooped in the pool!'"
—Rosanna Bigford, Facebook
6. "It was a legendary story for the nurses there."
"When my mom was in labor with my sister, her water broke and all of it splashed onto the wall, almost hitting the doctor.
A couple of years later my mom was in labor with my little brother and her water exploded in the waiting room all over the floor. She was horrified. The nurse tried to comfort her. 'Don't worry,' she told her, 'there was one woman whose fluids ended up all over the wall.'
'Yeah,' my mom said, 'that was me.' Apparently she was a legendary story for the nurses there."
—Rachel Elizabeth Mabey, Facebook
7. "I was peeing all over myself."
"I had gotten my epidural, and during one of the hourly checks, my nurse was discharging my bladder. I really have no idea how she did it, but it involved some sort of tube into my bladder and into one of those pink tubs. Well, she did the tube thing, was looking at my stats, and I felt something move between my legs. Basically the pee tube had popped out of the tub, and I was just peeing all over myself. Honestly, I wasn't really that embarrassed. I mean, the woman had already had her hand up my vag how many times at this point?"
—Tiffany Adams, Facebook
8. "I had two choices: Wipe my face, or be a good sister."
"My sister was in delivery and I was holding one leg as she was pushing. She had an epidural so she couldn't feel a thing. As my niece's head popped out, I got splattered in the face with juices. Decision time. Drop her leg and wipe my face or be a good sister and keep holding up that leg as the rest of the baby came out. I was a good sister. Have never washed my face so well in my life!"
—Meghan McGovern, Facebook
9. "You are scaring the moms in the other rooms."
"I screamed bloody murder during my contractions. The nurse walked in and told me in the nicest voice, 'You are scaring all the moms in the other rooms who aren't as far along as you are.' I didn't care. I screamed until I got my shot."
—Lorin Armstrong, Facebook
10. "Fuck! He knows I've got kids!"
"I was pretty loopy on gas while they were putting the epidural in for my emergency C-section. All I remember thinking was how gorgeous my anesthetist was, and that 'fuck, he knows I've got kids!'"
—Sarah Kerby, Facebook
11. "Everything tasted blue."
"I got really drunk on gas and air with my second daughter and said that I could smell melted vanilla ice cream and that everything tasted blue."
—Maggie Moo Spiller, Facebook
12. "Shut the hell up and stop being so supportive!"
"After about 30 hours in I yelled at my mother to 'shut the hell up and stop being so supportive!'"
- Whitney Roy, Facebook
13. "My vagina feels drunk."
"After trying to 'breathe through the contractions' for a few hours, I asked for an epidural. They gave it to me and it felt so good once it kicked in, I started to feel loopy because I was pain-free after so much pain. The anesthesiologist came in to check on me and asked me how I was doing. I looked at him and said 'My vagina feels drunk'... He tried to keep a straight face and act professional but had to turn around because he was laughing so hard."
—Erin Ann Johnson, Facebook
14. "My wife is high as a kite."
"I kept asking my husband to call Colton so I could tell her I loved her and missed her. The nurse was so sweet — she asked me if I knew Colton's phone number and I started to cry. She said she would lend me her phone so I could call her. As she pulls out her phone my husband comes in and asked what we were doing. She tells him we're gonna call Colton 'cause I obviously need her. He goes, 'Colton is our dog. My wife is high as a kite.' To which I started to cry again and asked him to bring her."
—Nancy Jaimes-Soto, Facebook
15. "I sold a garage door during my C-section."
"I was so doped up during my C-section that I spent the whole time slurring a sales speech to the anesthesiologist for a garage door and opener. LOL... He bought one a few weeks later though!"
—Angelica Halls, Facebook
16. "It's a disaster down there."
"Right after my daughter was born and they were sewing up my degree tear, my husband says: 'Whatever you do, don't look in the mirror. It's a disaster down there.'"
—Karen Halker Miller, Facebook
17. "You can kiss her first if it makes you more comfortable."
"We had a very sweet female nurse in training come in with another nurse. The experienced nurse checked for dilation and took note on it and told the student to take a try. It was very apparent she had never had her fingers in another female before and she looked terrified. My husband, who is NEVER serious and always tries to make others uncomfortable, says 'You can kiss her first if it make you more comfortable'... *mortified*. She did NOT think it was funny..."
—Lauren Ashley Walton-McGee, Facebook
18. "We maintained the most uncomfortable eye contact."
"There I am, post-epidural, and the nurse comes to see if my water has broken. 'I think so' I say, not really knowing what I was supposed to be looking for. So she slides her gloved hand up in my business, and with the slightest of pokes proceeds to break my water. Unfortunately, the shock was such that I immediately contracted and trapped her hand in my vag. We maintained the most uncomfortable eye contact as her glove filled with fluid."
—Madeleine Kaizer, Facebook
19. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF ME."
"So my doctor is an older guy and when he came in to break my water he says very professionally, 'This won't hurt at all, but you will feel a lot of pressure.' So I sit back and prop up. He pulls out a massive torture device that looks like something from American Horror Story. He places it in me and I immediately arch my back and try to kick him away while screaming, 'GET THE FUCK OUT OF ME.' He looked down ashamed and quietly laughed, 'That's the first time a woman has told me that.' My husband beamed at my doctor with the potential friendship he saw blossoming."
—Celeste Pitre, Facebook
20. "Wow, you need to wax."
"When they put my legs up to start pushing my husband looked at my vag and said, 'Wow. You need to wax.' I'm not sure I have forgiven him yet."
—Heather Drew, Facebook
21. "Are you flossing my vagina?"
"When my beautiful 10 pound 3 ounce baby girl was born my world changed, I was instantly in love. I was looking at her when my doctor started stitching me up. Now, I've never had stitches before so the sensation was new (and in my effing vagina, no less) so without thinking I just looked at my doctor and asked, 'are you flossing my vagina?'"
- jacquelines4a31a66f9, BuzzFeed.com
22. "I can't do this!"
"I think my most glorious moment was when I grabbed my husband during transition and told him 100% seriously, 'OK, this next contraction YOU have to push because I can't do this.'"
—Amy Mansell, Facebook
23. "At least you didn't head-butt me like the girl yesterday."
"Once I hit a six I wanted my epidural, but the anesthesiologist took two hours to go from downstairs to the second floor. During that time I got ANGRY and yelled at my nurse. Once the epidural finally arrived and I'd calmed down, I told her I was so sorry that I yelled and I didn't mean it. She said, 'We are used to it. Don't sweat it. At least you didn't head-butt me like the girl yesterday.'"
—Callie Anne Crabtree, Facebook
24. "I suddenly started laughing and couldn't stop."
"With my third kiddo, I was well into active labor and overly exhausted (as lots of moms get to be at that point), when I suddenly started laughing...and I couldn't stop. For 20—30 minutes. No joke. The nurses were both freaked out and laughing, too, as was my hubby. Needless to say, I was well known on that maternity ward for being the first mom to laugh uncontrollably during labor. *Note: If you end up in a similar situation, laughing through powerful, unmedicated contractions hurts like hell, but it makes the experience much more memorable. :)"
—Erin Wolf, Facebook
25. The Ultimate Potter Fan
"I was watching a Harry Potter marathon when the nurse checked to see how far dilated I was. I was 9 ¾. I was so ecstatic!!"
—Sarah Pike, Facebook
26. "I was told I bit my father-in-law's shoulder."
"I was three days overdue, felt some consistent contractions, went to the hospital, and was hooked up to the monitors. After being there for three hours (we left at midnight), I wasn't dilating anymore so they sent me home and told me to rest, that it would be in a day or two. I didn't get any sleep that night, I tossed and turned and was in constant pain. I felt lots of pressure, went to the bathroom, held a mirror down there and could see my daughter's head. I told my mother-in-law, she woke up her husband, we were all just in a panic and screaming at each other, the paramedics were called but she was born in front of the bathroom before they got there. I don't remember a lot but I was told I bit my father-in-law's shoulder."
—Shea Posey, Facebook
27. "So I'm just hanging out on my hospital bed, legs wide open..."
"I had been pushing for about 15 minutes and my daughter was crowning, but apparently I was a little too numb because I was having a hard time pushing her past that point, so my doctor told me we were going to take a break and she'd be back in about five or 10 minutes. So I'm just hanging out in my hospital bed, legs wide open with my daughter's head poking out, when, after 30 MINUTES, my doctor finally came back."
—Carmen Breckenridge, Facebook
28. "Well, it happened."
"I had my mom, my boyfriend, and two support people in the room, as well as my nurse, who was telling me to push (really to practice for when she was coming in the next few minutes). I was refusing since I had everyone in the room because I felt I was going to poop. I was screaming, 'I can't push, I can feel it. I'm gonna poop. I don't want anyone to see that,' and the nurse was assuring me I wasn't, and everyone was trying to convince me to push because it's OK. Well, it happened. Nobody said anything. But the nurse came and wiped me and all I said was 'See, I told you so...'"
—Bethany Danielle Cooke, Facebook
29. "Nope, that was you."
"I heard someone rip a big one... I looked over at my sister and asked, 'Was that you?!' She just laughed and said...'Nope, that was you.' Everyone was cracking up, especially me since I was so doped up."
—Mariah Irvin, Facebook
30. "The bed did a sort of 'Tokyo drift' into the delivery room..."
"Partway through my labor, I felt a sudden, much worse pain than I had ever felt before. I hit the nurse-call button shrieking for help. A second nurse came in as the first one lifted the sheet to check...and they both exclaimed: 'STOP PUSHING!!'
They started wheeling me out of the room. They kept shouting: 'STOP PUSHING!' and I kept shouting back: 'I'M NOT PUSHING!'
We slammed through the double doors of the delivery room and the bed sorta did a 'Tokyo drift' to a stop in the middle of the room. The momentum caused me to drop from my side onto my back and as soon as my back landed on the bed, the baby popped out (and the pain went away). The nurse standing at the foot of my bed was pulling on gloves, and she snapped the last glove on and exclaimed: 'Tell the doctor he can take his time now.'"
—Patty Smith, Facebook
31. "He just kept pointing at the baby and shouting how cool it was."
"Giving birth to my second baby, as he was coming out he stuck one arm out and grabbed the head doctor's scrubs and pulled. The young intern was so excited he just kept pointing at the baby and shouting how cool it was. Even my seasoned doctor seemed amazed. All I could think of is the baby must want out as bad as I want him to be."
—Cherish Fritts Newman, Facebook
32. "GET IT OUT!"
"When the doctor finally arrived in the delivery room mid-pushing, he checks me and tells me to reach between my legs and grab her head. By that point, though, I was so ready for it to be over, I just screamed at him. 'Get it out!'"
—Cassi Osborn, Facebook
33. "It looked just like Heath Ledger's fucked-up smile as the Joker."
"I made the mistake of looking at my vagina in a mirror out of curiosity after being stitched up — it looked just like Heath Ledger's fucked-up smile as the Joker."
—Erin Day, Facebook
34. "Never touch the placenta."
"After my son was finally out, in my epidural-high state, I asked to touch the placenta...and they let me. Ladies. Never touch the placenta."
—Kirsten Strider, Facebook
35. "He's still attached!"
"The nurse was so worried about getting my newborn son cleaned up and checking him that she tried taking him before they cut the cord. It hurt. I yelled, 'He's still attached!' and she set him down real quick. I almost punched that lady."
—Rashelle Koier, Facebook
36. "I have never seen no shit like that in my life."
My grandmother was present at the delivery. After the final push as my daughter was born, I looked over to my grandmother to see if she was crying... She wasn't.
She was standing in the corner, horrified at what she just witnessed. After the chaos died down I asked my her why she was so horrified, having given birth herself. She looked me dead in the eyes and said, 'I have never seen no shit like that in my life. Don't call me till after the baby's born on the next one, OK Mija?'"
—Janay Danica Alexandra Guevara, Facebook
37. "Sorry doc, you missed the whole show."
"While sleeping in the hospital, I woke up with a start, screaming at my husband that baby was coming. By the time the nurse finally got in to the room and checked me, my daughter was already crowning. The nurse grabs the nearest on call doctor who barely made into the room, literally at the last second to grab the baby.
Five minutes later my OBGYN walks in, and goes "ok, are we ready to have a baby?" Sorry doc, you missed the whole show."
- Vanessa Schira, Facebook
38. "My husband and I made an agreement that he would not look down there..."
"Before my son was born, my husband and I made an agreement that he would not look down there... Well, after he was out and they were going about the after-business, I came to enough to see him making a weird face. I asked him if he looked, he nodded yes and said he saw the placenta. He then whispered that it looked like a meat toupee."
—Sandra Walker, Facebook
39. "If that's not love, I don't know what is."
My husband and I was just waiting for me to go No. 2 so we could be discharged when I had already been in there two days. I wanted to do the suppository because the nurse said it was faster. I felt the poor nurses had seen enough of everything so I offered to do it myself. The nurse left and here I am in the bathroom trying and failing miserably. Instead of calling the nurse back in, I had my husband do it. He was mortified but a champ (while wearing gloves lol). After everything was said and done he looked at me and said, 'If that's not love, I don't know what is.'"
—Kara Kieffer, Facebook
40. My teeth!
"While in labor with my sister, my mom remembers her mom arriving and screaming with excitement. Her teeth flew out under the hospital bed, and she couldn't get them until after the birth!"
—Angel Morrison, Facebook
41. "Oh my god, I birthed an alien!"
"I felt what I thought was a No. 2 slip out just as I got into the birthing pool. I said to my husband, 'Oh my god, I pooped in the pool!!' Just then, a big bubble floated to the surface and I said, 'Oh my god, I birthed an alien!' The midwife grabbed the 'bubble' and tore it open. My son was born inside of his amniotic sack."
—Laura Downie, Facebook
42. "Hell no, I want to check my hair."
"In the delivery room they had a giant mirror on wheels so if you wanted, you could watch the delivery. I asked my nurse to wheel it over to me and she said, 'Aw, you want to watch the delivery??'
"'Hell no, I want to check my hair.'"
—Sarah Fouquet, Facebook
43. "He SHOWED my poop to my husband..."
"I pooped and the doctor lifted up a blue tarp with my poo on it and showed it to my husband saying, 'This is why I put that there.' Yep. He SHOWED my poop to my husband while I was trying to bring our child into the world."
—Kristin Tutt, Facebook
44. "It looked like a crime scene in there."
"While I was in the final stages of labor (i.e., pushing) a nurse stepped on my IV cord and dislodged it. We had no idea, so with every push more and more blood sprayed out of the unattached cord. Nobody noticed blood spraying everywhere. When the doctor came in for the last few pushes she remarked that it looked like a crime scene in there. There was a pool of blood on the floor and the nurse was splattered with it."
—Tracey Citron, Facebook
45. "He was crowning!"
"Craziest moment from labor? When I was told to stop pushing. My son was crowning and they said to stop because the doctor wasn't there yet. The nurse didn't want to deliver him on her own. Stop pushing??? HE WAS CROWNING!"
—Alycia M. Smith, Facebook
46. "He was tasked with scooping my poop nuggets out of the birthing pool with a fishing net."
"I had a planned home-water birth, and when I was pushing I guess little bits of poop were coming out. What I didn't learn until later was that every time one would float to the surface my incredibly dedicated husband was tasked with fishing my poop nuggets out of the water with one of those green aquarium nets."
—Jana Silver, Facebook
"When my mom delivered my older sister, she was in Nigeria during the World Cup and the doctor made her wait till the match was over."
—John Alex Nieboer, Facebook
48. Word to the wise...
"Words of wisdom: DO NOT EAT SPINACH DIP PRIOR TO LABOR."
—Marla Czechowski, Facebook
49. "He put the placenta under his foot and stretched it up to his head."
"After the exciting part was said and done, the doctor motioned for my boyfriend to join him and the foot of my bed. He said, 'Watch this!' and put the placenta under his foot and stretched it all the way up to his head. Boys...."
—Liz Boeche, Facebook