17 People Admitted To Being The Toxic One In The Relationship And It's Heartbreakingly Honest

"It's me. Hi. I'm the problem. It's me."

All relationships have their ups and down, but sometimes the hardest part can be recognizing the problems you caused within that partnership.

Universal / Courtesy Everett Collection

So we recently asked the BuzzFeed Community to let us know when they realized they were consciously or unconsciously creating issues within their relationship, and they were heartbreakingly honest:

1. Consciously Controlling

Apple TV+

"I recognized that I was thinking and planning too much about our future without being present in our present relationship. I was controlling about trivial details like recipes for dinner and the driving route we chose, that I created unnecessary tension. I'm sad and regretful sometimes thinking about how I was in early adulthood and who I may have hurt with my behavior."

—bingowashisnameo

2. Ticking Time Bomb

BET

"I used to bottle up all my concerns/frustrations with family and then explode once a year, or so. When my now-husband and I had been together for about a year, it happened during a car ride and he was totally blindsided and freaked out. We pulled over and hashed it out awkwardly, but we're still both raw from our first and only 'fight.' After he dropped me off that night he got in a car accident and was concussed. I realized then that I never wanted the last thing I said to him to be something angry. I worked on addressing concerns in the moment and discussing things WITH him instead of suppressing them and blaming him for my poor handling of my feelings later. Now when we disagree, it's a question of 'how can we fix this problem so our relationship is better' instead of 'how dare you make me feel this way!'"

—delorienaz

3. Toxic Flames

BBC America

"My ex and I got together in 2017 and by early 2018 we were living together. When we got together, I was still reeling from a number of personal issues that left me bitter, jaded, and dealing with a whole lot of mental health issues, and him, also being bitter and jaded as a person meant that our relationship became centered around that bitterness. We were truly at our worst with each other.

Four years later, I realized that although he had issues that he refused to handle, I was also a level of toxicity, not only to the relationship, but to life in general. I was constantly angry, refused to communicate in a healthy way, lazy in life, incredibly self-serving, and had refused to deal with any of my mental health issues or trauma. I woke up one day, looked in the mirror, and realized I hated the person I had become.

So I started taking care of myself. I started seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with ADHD, and gave me the knowledge and the tools to help me adjust to life better. I took time to break down every aspect of my life to deal with not only years of trauma and emotional repression, but also to inspect the elements of my present life to change the things that needed changing. I quit my toxic job and found a job that treated me way better, I mended strained relationships with my family and started to take care of myself. I took the time not only to be kind to others but to myself. In the end, I realized the last thing I needed to fix in my life was the toxic, unhealthy relationship I found myself in. I realized that I had outgrown the anger and the bitterness, and he refused to do the same, so I broke up with him and moved out. It was a hard, long road, but I’m a much better person for it."

—ej_orenji

4. Self-Sabotage

Freeform

"Realizing I had a combination of relationship OCD and CPTSD. I’m remarkably well-functioning and successful, but two years into my first post-divorce relationship I realized I was beginning to repeat the same patterns I’d had in my marriage (that I left) and in my long-term relationship prior (that I also left). It didn’t matter how wonderful my partner was, how many boxes they ticked, or how happy I was, some part of me could not accept the idea that things could just be okay. It’s insidious and has permeated every relationship I’ve ever had, but it wasn’t until my counselor pointed out my diagnosis that I began to realize the problem was ME and my own subconscious beliefs. It’s been truly life-changing."

—acudoc

5. Fighting For More

The WB

"I found my mental health spiraling and all the arguments and crazy toxic fights were turning full-blown abusive on my part. My partner's resulting anger most definitely didn’t help. Several thousands of dollars worth of damages, witnesses to the arguments, and me having a nervous breakdown, and, jetting my ass out of state made me really realize I no longer wanted to continue living like this. These things and other unforgivable acts really should have ended the relationship, but for the first time in three years of being together, we really don’t fight like we used to. I started meditating more and really working on myself mentally because I don’t wanna lose myself and hurt my loved ones any longer."

—countess_raven

6. Family Feud

Marvel

"Choosing my abusive family's feelings over my husband’s. He was doing everything he could to make my life better and I was siding with those trying to tear me down."

—booksandcheese

7. Power of Persuasion

NBC

"I was trying to change them too damn much to be the person I wanted them to be. And this NEVER WORKS. Not only that, I would act like a total child when they didn't immediately hop to it. The silent treatment, the tantrums, God, I was such a bitch! I saw the light when I would complain to friends over and over and it got to the point where they were avoiding me or flat-out telling me to shut up about it. One friend told me: 'If you're happy with him, why are you trying so hard to change him?' Lightbulb! I did a lot of soul-searching in the months that followed and really changed my behavior. It still didn't work out, but with my now-husband, I'm not trying to change him."

—morgan_le_slay

8. Insecure

NBC

"Having previously been cheated on in a past relationship, I let my insecurities control me, and that led to me trying to control my boyfriend. From snooping through his private messages to having full-blown anxiety attacks whenever he was out without me, and demanding he come home, I was a nightmare to be with. In the end, we broke up, and when we decided to give it another go two years later, one of the stipulations was that I had to learn to trust him. Seven years later we’ve just welcomed our son into the world. Learning to let go of my anxieties was hard, but so so worth it."

—thetimble

9. Always Annoyed

ABC

"I found myself regularly annoyed with my husband because he wasn’t doing things in the way I wanted them done (cleaning, career moves, romance, etc.) I realized one day that if we ever had a child, I would probably spend most of my time stomping out any part of the kid that’s anything like their father. That thought really scared me, because that’s what my father did to me; he regularly belittled my mother, and I was praised for acting more like him than her. I know I don’t want to continue that cycle. At my core, I think my husband is wonderful and I’m so glad that he has different thoughts and opinions than I do. I just picked up some weird habits and beliefs from a different relationship and forced them on him. I want to grow and improve and that requires me to allow him to be authentically himself as he is."

—rachrupp

10. Spoiled Rotten

TNT

"I am an only child and come from a privileged family. I didn’t have to work to pay for college. My college boyfriend came from a similar background and spoiled me like crazy — financially, emotionally, and physically. We broke up after graduation. Since then, I haven’t had a successful relationship. I always expect my partners to be at my beck & call without realizing that they might have work-related constraints. I myself work too, but expecting too much from my partners has ruined all my relationships."

—duskydudette

11. One Of These Days These Boots Are Going To Walk All Over You

Netflix

"I definitely played a part in my current relationship almost failing. We met when I was 26 and he was 22. I went to school, had my master's, a career, and was financially stable. He barely graduated high school, had a blue-collar job, was dealing with the consequences of a DUI, and was barely making ends meet. I treated him like a child and like I was better than him. In hindsight, if I felt so superior, I should have ended it, but I stayed and just took jabs at his confidence. It ultimately led to him emotionally cheating on me. He was downloading dating apps to get an ego boost, and I found some drunk messages between him and his ex. Obviously, he is the one to blame for the indiscretion, but I can see how my behavior influenced him. We broke off our engagement and lived separately for a year to work on our own personal issues. We reconciled, got married, and we're expecting our first baby in January. He's literally the best husband and I hate that our insecurities almost robbed us of what we have now."

—thekatzmeow

12. Let Go And Let Live

Netflix

"I am very prideful and don't like being wrong. I didn't like the fact that I felt I allowed my exes to be rude to me and never really stood up for myself. Now, I get defensive over the smallest things because I hold on to what might be an attack on me. I want to be right and not let it go. I have a lot to work on and get through."

—avbabsy

13. Messed Up Momma

Starz

"I used to get severe anxiety when a relationship was good, calm, and fulfilling. I would start fights, be cold, distant, and snap at everything. Took me years and many relationships to understand what I did and why I did it. Goes back to my childhood growing up with my mom. I was calm only when she was verbally and physically abusive, because then I knew what to expect. The hardest time for me was when she was being nice to me, I would never know when her hands or voice was going to be raised. Christmas was always the hardest because my mom loved to play the 'happy little family' game, but come January, she would unleash all the unspent energy on a full-blown shit-fest."

—katrinagirl

14. The Blame Game

VH1

"For me, it's the other way around. I had a narcissistic parent and was used to always getting blamed for everything and having to beg for forgiveness for just existing. I ended up with another narcissist and always accepted I'm at fault for everything. It took me way too long to realize it's not normal that your partner yells at you for being scared of a big dog or demands a list of everything you've eaten that day."

—w1w1

15. The Young And The Restless

Fox

"I met this perfect guy in college. He was done with university and had a good career, job, and house. I was just starting college and was too immature to take the relationship seriously. If he came along like two years later, I'd probably be married to him. I was too young and didn't know better."

—nataliesi

16. The Fixer

Prime Video

"I finally figured out I had a pattern of taking in broken people to fix them up. I was playing their therapist. I had to look at myself and admit that just because I am into self-help and doing inner work, doesn’t mean I can do that for other people (and most just aren’t interested in doing it anyway, but will gladly take advantage of you). Once I did that, I started attracting healthier (mentally and emotionally) people into my life. I’m no longer exhausted by the people in my social circle."

—andyetyouclicked

17. Lastly, Attached At The Hip

Tapestry Films

"I’ve realized that my relationship last year failed because of me. I don’t have a lot of friends and so I latch onto people quickly and expect a lot from them. Since he was the only person I had to hang out with, I created high expectations of these times in my head, so when plans changed, or he was busy, I got disproportionally upset."

—katiep4f0aaa33f

Do you have a story about being the problem in your romantic relationship or friendship? Let us know in the comments below!