1.
This is Finn. Someone once told him to stop and smell the flowers. Now he never skips a day. 13/10
2.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
3.
i asked my work neighbor to borrow a pen and she stuck this through the door lmao
4.
A wise doctor once wrote.... 👀
5.
When your friend starts driving at 150 mph and says “I loved her bro…”
6.
i wish my dog talked we would be the biggest shittalkers fr
7.
if i was as rich as iron man or batman id be spending it on hoes and yachts. not fighting no damn crime
8.
Left the back door open at my friend's house and her roomba escaped. Hope he goes on an adventure and cleans the whole world
9.
why would anyone choose to go big when the alternative is getting to go home
10.
I wish this was a joke but last night at the Olivia Rodrigo concert the girl next to me asked how old I was and I said 31 and she laughed in my face
11.
ironically, Covid would be a better name for Zoom
12.
If stuart little tried to talk to me id just look away or pretend to not hear him
13.
a veggie tales character named megan thee scallion
14.
This girl said she enjoyed the date but she's not interested in a second one because I blew my food to cool it down ????
15.
I always call my daughter “baby girl”. We at chick fil a and she goes “since I’m your baby girl, that means you’re my baby daddy.” No baby! It don’t work like that lmao.
16.
people my age are graduating grad school, getting engaged or are getting legitimate jobs and here i am rating harry styles songs
17.
Shout out to the woman last night who asked me what I did and when I told her I wrote graphic novels for children, looked appalled and asked what kind of market there was for writing erotica for kids.
18.
finally went to the gym today😍😍😍this workout should last me the next 3 months😍😍
19.
Live from New York City
20.
brain: cactus. me: ok. brain: touch it. me: but it’s sharp. brain: i know but HOW sharp.
21.
that’s how much i eat to check if it’s cooked https://t.co/w3CAToMIPa
22.
arguing through text will have you standing on one spot for 30mins😂
23.
i used to draw tf outta that sun in the corner of the paper when i was a kid
24.
Elon musk should be slang for the scent a person gives off when they’re sketchy/disappointing. “I was excited to meet his brother, but the guy had an unsettling elon musk.”
25.
My dad texts all the neighbours what colour bins are due out the night before and he’s started calling himself a binfluencer 👍🏼
26.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
27.
babybel cheeses trying to convince you to buy them in the dairy section:
28.
Someone said Batman & Kim Possible have the same powers. I haven’t unclenched my fist since.
29.
I accidentally took the most majestic pic of Rigatoni today