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Literally Just 45 Fucking Hilarious Cole Sprouse Tweets From 2017 To Help You Ring In The New Year

My hips are pathological liars.

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1. On Shakira:

2. On having a twin:

3. On priorities:

Everybody complaining about Trump but club penguin is shutting down so maybe check your priorities?

4. On talking about problems:

"Your ability to take your problems to the internet first is very admirable"- not a single goddamn person ever.

5. On fuckboys:

The new fucboi is the guy dming you dog pics.

6. On parenting:

~I'll be your sugar daddy if you be my kombucha mother~

7. On getting someone's attention:

Yawn in the club to see who's checkin you out.

8. On virginity:

Protect your virginity with a strong pair of fingerless gloves.

9. On proper grammar:

We were married for 3 years but then she spelled 'it's' wrong so I had to get a divorce.

10. On American politics:

First they took our club penguin, then they came for Chuck E. Cheese's animatronic band, what's next to fall in trump's America?

11. On compliments:

Photographer captured a photo after they told me I was beautiful.

12. On legacies:

Often, before I hit tweet I think, is this shitpost gunna be my legacy? Then I remember sin has no impact on a man's success in our society.

13. On emotions:

Looking for someone to play hide and seek with me and my feelings.

14. On decision making:

When deciding whether or not to do something bad, stop and ask yourself "what would Flat Stanley think?"

15. On food choices:

They say you are what you eat, but I don't remember eating a jaded, anxious human being.

16. On taking care of someone:


17. On song lyrics:

my neck~my back~my pussy and my credit score.

18. On puberty:

19. On being relatable:

You're losing followers because you're not relatable enough. Try mentioning that you eat pizza. If that doesn't work, play the ukulele.

20. On millennials:

"Millennials," the old man scoffed, throwing his cigarette butt into the community park.

21. On ice cream:

2 scoops please, waffle cup, and the smallest goddamn spoon you have. I'm gunna make this orgasm last all night.

22. On pet names:

Feels weird calling my dog a bad 'boy' when we all know he's 84... I mean... he's just a bad person now.

23. On McDonald's:

McDonald's valentines menu sucks tbh. Looks like my cats and I will take our business elsewhere.

24. On Google search:

If "feet" isn't the top auto suggestion after your name in google you're not famous.

25. On facial hair:

~If your mustache looks like pubes~ ~shave it off my dudes~

26. On growing up:

It was a sad day when I became too large for the dog door.

27. On novels:

Shoutout to this publisher for using my face as the love interest of a romance. "A Heart Remedy From Mr Heartbreake…

28. On Nelly Furtado:

Just a guy lookin for that nelly furtado buzz.

29. On Harry Potter:

The very idea that you're over there fighting about what hogwarts house you are makes you a hufflepuff. End of story.

30. On Valentine's Day:

Nobody likes my Cupid costume. What happened to #Valentines spirit? People just keep asking "are those real arrows" or "why are you naked?"

31. On relationship requirements:

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

32. On growing up:

Time to grow up from the whole sad boi routine. Time to be a sad man.

33. On mistakes:

I am not defined by my mistakes. I wont be defined by the 5 or 6 times I ~happened~ to kick a baby... please stop calling me "baby kicker."

34. On hugs:

"Where's my hug?" he whimpered, further cementing his position on her no hug list.

35. On music:

If your new album doesn't have one track with your mom leaving you some out-of-touch advice over voicemail is it even 🔥?

36. On blending in:

I wear a thrasher hoodie so I can ~BLEND IN WITH THE YOUTH~

37. On feminism:

"BUT WHAT ABOUT MEN-" shhhhhh SHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhHhhhhhhhhh hush now sweet boy shhhhhhh now is time to rest

38. On aspirations:

Don't strive to be daddy when you can be senpai.

39. On competitions:

"This game cheats" the young boy squealed, losing a second time with his pathetic statement.

40. On spending money:

I only started acting again so you guys wouldn't feel like you wasted money on the posters of me at 12.

41. On superheros:

Not all heroes wear capes...just the fucken sexy ones

42. On art:

I'll be the first to say it: Elephants can't paint for shit. Composition, color, everything about it sucks.

43. On Riverdale:

44. On Wikipedia:

I'm just out here trying to make sure Dylan and I never lose our joint Wikipedia page.

45. Finally, on memes:

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