1. On Shakira:
My hips are pathological liars
2. On having a twin:
.@dylansprouse were you Zack or Cody?
3. On priorities:
Everybody complaining about Trump but club penguin is shutting down so maybe check your priorities?
4. On talking about problems:
"Your ability to take your problems to the internet first is very admirable"- not a single goddamn person ever.
5. On fuckboys:
The new fucboi is the guy dming you dog pics.
6. On parenting:
~I'll be your sugar daddy if you be my kombucha mother~
7. On getting someone's attention:
Yawn in the club to see who's checkin you out.
8. On virginity:
Protect your virginity with a strong pair of fingerless gloves.
9. On proper grammar:
We were married for 3 years but then she spelled 'it's' wrong so I had to get a divorce.
10. On American politics:
First they took our club penguin, then they came for Chuck E. Cheese's animatronic band, what's next to fall in trump's America?
11. On compliments:
Photographer captured a photo after they told me I was beautiful.
12. On legacies:
Often, before I hit tweet I think, is this shitpost gunna be my legacy? Then I remember sin has no impact on a man's success in our society.
13. On emotions:
Looking for someone to play hide and seek with me and my feelings.
14. On decision making:
When deciding whether or not to do something bad, stop and ask yourself "what would Flat Stanley think?"
15. On food choices:
They say you are what you eat, but I don't remember eating a jaded, anxious human being.
16. On taking care of someone:
IF YOU CANT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THEN YOU SURE AS HELL DON'T DESERVE this kind of treatment, I'm sorry.
17. On song lyrics:
my neck~my back~my pussy and my credit score.
18. On puberty:
I look fresh bitch
19. On being relatable:
You're losing followers because you're not relatable enough. Try mentioning that you eat pizza. If that doesn't work, play the ukulele.
20. On millennials:
"Millennials," the old man scoffed, throwing his cigarette butt into the community park.
21. On ice cream:
2 scoops please, waffle cup, and the smallest goddamn spoon you have. I'm gunna make this orgasm last all night.
22. On pet names:
Feels weird calling my dog a bad 'boy' when we all know he's 84... I mean... he's just a bad person now.
23. On McDonald's:
McDonald's valentines menu sucks tbh. Looks like my cats and I will take our business elsewhere.
24. On Google search:
If "feet" isn't the top auto suggestion after your name in google you're not famous.
25. On facial hair:
~If your mustache looks like pubes~ ~shave it off my dudes~
26. On growing up:
It was a sad day when I became too large for the dog door.
27. On novels:
Shoutout to this publisher for using my face as the love interest of a romance. "A Heart Remedy From Mr Heartbreake… https://t.co/dk5ut26bF7
28. On Nelly Furtado:
Just a guy lookin for that nelly furtado buzz.
29. On Harry Potter:
The very idea that you're over there fighting about what hogwarts house you are makes you a hufflepuff. End of story.
30. On Valentine's Day:
Nobody likes my Cupid costume. What happened to #Valentines spirit? People just keep asking "are those real arrows" or "why are you naked?"
31. On relationship requirements:
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
32. On growing up:
Time to grow up from the whole sad boi routine. Time to be a sad man.
33. On mistakes:
I am not defined by my mistakes. I wont be defined by the 5 or 6 times I ~happened~ to kick a baby... please stop calling me "baby kicker."
34. On hugs:
"Where's my hug?" he whimpered, further cementing his position on her no hug list.
35. On music:
If your new album doesn't have one track with your mom leaving you some out-of-touch advice over voicemail is it even 🔥?
36. On blending in:
I wear a thrasher hoodie so I can ~BLEND IN WITH THE YOUTH~
37. On feminism:
"BUT WHAT ABOUT MEN-" shhhhhh SHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhHhhhhhhhhh hush now sweet boy shhhhhhh now is time to rest
38. On aspirations:
Don't strive to be daddy when you can be senpai.
39. On competitions:
"This game cheats" the young boy squealed, losing a second time with his pathetic statement.
40. On spending money:
I only started acting again so you guys wouldn't feel like you wasted money on the posters of me at 12.
41. On superheros:
Not all heroes wear capes...just the fucken sexy ones
42. On art:
I'll be the first to say it: Elephants can't paint for shit. Composition, color, everything about it sucks.
43. On Riverdale:
A #Riverdale origin story
44. On Wikipedia:
I'm just out here trying to make sure Dylan and I never lose our joint Wikipedia page.
45. Finally, on memes:
Memes are a drug, I'm your dealer.
Did you know you can sign up for a BuzzFeed Community account and create your own BuzzFeed posts? Here's a handy guide to help you start posting today!
Share This Article
