"I think so many people are going to regret thinking 30 was old when they're actually 'old' — whatever that means."
"My boyfriend thinks my boobs fill with blood before my period... I tried to explain to him that it's just my milk ducts swelling, but he said until I prove him wrong, he won't change his mind."
If you haven't seen Rita Ora's "YOLO" jacket, you haven't really lived.
Glad we don't force publicly televised makeovers on goth kids anymore.
"If [she] wants us to see a part of her we've never seen, she's gonna have to swallow the camera."
"I tried to make small talk with him until he blurted out, 'Don’t you know my dog?' He was literally riding on the fame of his Chihuahua on Instagram."
"Just saw the movie Oppenheimer and I couldn't resist drawing some fascinating comparisons...[that] mirrored the roles of Product Manager and Project Manager."
"He got drunk, went into the bar bathrooms (during business hours), pulled his infected tooth out with a pair of pliers, stole the bartenders' tips, and drove home a bloody, drunken mess. The bathroom was an absolute disaster."
"She would speak French to herself in the mirror at home, and then she would do it at restaurants thinking it made her sound sexy... Here’s the thing — she knew not one word of French... She just spoke gibberish that sounded VAGUELY like French."
"European women are so unsatisfied by European men's tiny European compact cars that just the sight of an American mid-size pickup truck is enough to make a European woman fall madly and inextricably in love."
There's wanting your kids to respect you, and then there's making them wear socks in the pool.
At this point, even pickup artists are cringing.
“I thought you were probably with a ‘boyfriend,’ that’s how women eat these days.”
I will never get over an Are You Hot? judge telling a contestant to eat McDonald's to gain weight.
"I get bad vibes when people say they don't like cats. I understand when someone has an allergy or if they've had a bad experience...but when people say they just don't like cats, it's almost always down to cats having more boundaries than dogs or cats taking longer to trust people than dogs. I've found that people who dislike cats generally are disrespectful of other people's boundaries, too, and don't want to put the time or effort in to gain someone else's trust."
"My ex proposed to me in front of my entire family, including all of my extended family who was visiting for my cousin’s funeral. It was terrible timing. He sang a song (poorly) and asked in front of everyone."
"Loving your feedback on my appearance. Am I ok now?" —Amy Schumer
Just because a movie was highly rated, doesn't mean it's still good.
"Not trying to be weird. I do apologize for this, but I couldn’t wait. I am a firefighter, and despite those sweatpants, I find you attractive. Text me."
Like, read the room, my guy.