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    Jul 25, 2017

    Britney Spears Has Been Missing For 22 Days And I'm Worried And Concerned

    Britney Watch 2017 has commenced.

    SOS, emergency, go call the police, go call the governor, hell, call Bernice and Joy from Hoveround to zip over and get in on this search!

    Britney Spears has been missing for 22 days.

    Britney last posted to Instagram on July 4 and it was a Googled image of fireworks. Since that last Instagram, there has been absolutely nothing from her. It's like Britney Spears has disappeared into thin air and I feel like I'm gonna blow chunks!

    It feels like an eternity since we've gotten a chunky-heeled living room fashion show.

    I miss seeing the Christmas lights in the back of her photos.

    And to be real with you all, I need her fitness videos. I love when Britney Spears makes me feel inadequate.

    I miss the pictures of clouds and abandoned basketball courts accompanied with insightful captions...

    ...like this:

    I feel like a sack of shit without her daily 'grams of blurry memes she found on Pinterest.

    How am I supposed to know the status of Cameron Diaz' garden without her re-grams?

    Long gone are the posts about "good friend" Albert Einstein...

    ...and it feels like hundreds of years since I've seen a damn Victorian child.

    WHERE ARE THE DAMN VICTORIAN CHILDREN!?

    I miss feeling un-skinny like the dog in this picture...

    ...and what's a guy got to do to get a picture of a bed in the middle of the forest?!

    Also, WHERE ARE THE PICTURES OF MEDIOCRE SUSHI?!

    I miss the Minion memes...

    ...and the questionable Barbie worship art.

    For fuck sakes, how am I supposed to continue keeping inventory of her massive choker collection without the daily updates?!

    But really, I mostly miss this perfect human being (and mom now): Britney Spears.

    This is my call for help. We need you now more than ever, Brit. Come back to Instagram.

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