1. Ryan Gosling will never seek you out at an old-timey fair.
2. He will never pick you out of a crowd and woo you in his darling little newsboy cap. And you would never, EVER reject him.
3. Ryan Gosling will never risk his delicate, beautiful life by hanging from a ferris wheel just to speak to you.
4. THIS WAS DANGEROUS…
… DANGEROUSLY ROMANTIC. And it will never happen to you. Also because of safety reasons.
5. A slightly dirty, rough-around-the-edges Ryan Gosling will never then confront you on the street and get upset with you for not loving him.
6. You would never turn him down after his constant efforts.
7. It’s just not reality.
8. You would also never let Ryan risk his hella sexy life by lying down in the middle of a road.
9. Instead of lying down with him, you would get his ass out of the middle of the goddamn road.
It’s infuriating that she would even let him entertain this idea. Absolutely infuriating.
10. To make things even worse, Ryan Gosling will never slow dance with you to no music at all.
11. This one hits you in the gut. Ryan Gosling will never lift you up in the air and make out with you.
12. He will never take you on a bicycle ride.
13. You will never feed him ice cream.
14. And you will never be his napkin.
WHAT I WOULD DO TO BE HIS NAPKIN. YOU DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW.
15. Ryan Gosling will never introduce you to his parents.
Yes, meeting parents can really suck…but this is Ryan Gosling we’re talking about. His dad was so cool and chill.
16. And your parents would never, EVER reject Ryan Gosling.
IT’S RYAN GOSLING WE’RE TALKING ABOUT.
17. Ryan Gosling will never take you to the beach.
18. And make out with you in the waves.
19. SERIOUSLY, IT’S PAINFUL TO WATCH THIS.
20. A shirtless Ryan Gosling will never proposition you to go into the water with him.
21. Because he wouldn’t even have to proposition. You would fucking GET IN THAT WATER RIGHT AWAY REGARDLESS OF HOW COLD IT WAS.
22. Related: You will never get to look at a shaggy-haired shirtless Ryan Gosling on a canoe standing before you like the god that he is.
23. You would never even THINK of hitting Ryan Gosling. Seriously, this part was so fucking rude.
24. Ugh. You will never get to have a little makeout sesh with Ryan on the side of a house.
25. Ryan Gosling will never take you to an abandoned house to have sex with you.
26. He will never remove his shirt, revealing a sexy little wifebeater.
27. His wifebeater will never then come off.
28. AND THEN THE PANTS.
29. BYE, PANTS. A SIGHT YOU WILL NEVER SEE.
30. I can’t. I just can’t. It hurts. Life is the worst.
31. You would NEVER move away from Ryan Gosling to go to some bullshit school.
32. You would NEVER let him sit all depressed in your douchey living room.
33. And Ryan Gosling would never write you a letter EVERY DAY. And if for some reason he did, YOU WOULD READ THOSE LETTERS AND KILL YOUR STUPID MOM FOR NOT GIVING THEM TO YOU.
34. Ryan Gosling would never then get insanely sexy building YOUR DREAM HOUSE.
35. THIS WILL NEVER BE YOUR DREAM HOUSE AND YOUR MAN WHO BUILT IT FOR YOU.
36. You would never go back, years later, JUST TO VISIT. Once you were there, you would NEVER LEAVE.
37. Ryan Gosling would never then try to woo you again with a magical swan canoe ride. Like, this can’t even exist.
38. It would never then suddenly start raining.
39. Ryan would never be completely soaked through in his white shirt.
40. He will never then approach you.
41. And give you one of the most incredible kisses of your life.
42. Things will never escalate from there.
43. Your head will never be in his holy crotch…
44. … and your feet will never rest on his divine shoulders.
45. Finally, you would never fight with him.
46. You would never walk away.
47. NEVER. IT JUST WOULDN’T HAPPEN.
48. THIS MOVIE IS BULLSHIT.
49. I HATE MY LIFE.
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