back to top

Why Rugby Is The Greatest, Most Important Sport Of ALL TIME

Rugby beats water polo. (Unless they have an underwater camera.)

Posted on

Feb. 24, 2014, is a day I will not soon forget.

That is the day that changed me, my body, and, most importantly, the chemicals in my brain that summon attraction.

*Random tiny angels appear*

*Beams of light shine down*

*Men in tiny tight little shorts appear*

It is the day I discovered rugby.

Mark Kolbe / Getty Images

I refer as my pre-rugby days as the "those times I was blind and couldn't see."

Feb. 24 was kind of like my great awakening.
Mark Kolbe / Getty Images

Feb. 24 was kind of like my great awakening.

As represented in this picture, in rugby the shirts are tight and the shorts are small. In terms of visual objectification, it doesn't get much better than that.

Bradley Kanaris / Getty Images

Hi, tired guy with tons of tats.

David Cannon / Getty Images

Hi, awkward mouth guard.

I like to think of mouth guards as a condom for the mouth.
Matt King / Getty Images

I like to think of mouth guards as a condom for the mouth.

So anyway, rugby is cool because the guys are constantly plowing into each other.

Matt King/Stringer / Getty Images

Nice.

Mark Kolbe / Getty Images

Rugby players' legs are lit'ral and factual truth that God is real.

Rob Jefferies / Getty Images

Have I mentioned that the guys look like this?!?!?!

David Jones / Getty Images

*Tips hat*

Matt King / Getty Images

Hi, gorgeous.

Brendon Thorne / Getty Images

Hi, hot guy being embraced by three different men at once.

Rob Jefferies / Getty Images

Hi, perfect specimen.

Matt Cardy / Getty Images

Hi, thighs.

Rob Jefferies / Getty Images

Hi, ass + legs.

Stu Forster / Getty Images

Hi to you too.

Shaun Botterill / Getty Images

SO MANY GODDAMN HELLOS.

Now lets all grab one another's legs and asses.

David Cannon / Getty Images

Another reason why rugby is cool is they do this thing where they lock up and grab one another's butts.

Richard Sellers / Getty Images

It's like a giant violent orgy.

But in a totally safe way.
Alan Crowhurst / Getty Images

But in a totally safe way.

I don't even know what's happening here but it's quite nice.

David Cannon / Getty Images

I can even ignore those little hair nubbins because grabbing.

David Cannon/Staff / Getty Images

More grabbing.

Rob Jefferies / Getty Images

Grabbing basically rules.

Harry Engels/Stringer / Getty Images

Another cool thing that happens in rugby is when there's an accidental shirt lift up.

Notice: That other man is riding his leg.
Rob Jefferies / Getty Images

Notice: That other man is riding his leg.

Also the locker room. I'm not gonna lie, it seems fun.

David Rogers/Staff / Getty Images

Yay for tender and sensual embraces!

Stu Forster / Getty Images

Yay for guys who casually smile like a fucking dream!

Stu Forster / Getty Images

And lastly, yay for the grabbing.

Richard Heathcote / Getty Images

Grabbing <33333

Ultimately, if there's one reason why rugby is the best it is that WE ALL — regardless of race, color, sexual orientation, or species — benefit when rugby is on.

Ben Hoskins/Stringer / Getty Images

To put it even more shortly, we all win when we watch rugby!

Gallo Images / Getty Images

And boy do I like winning!

David Rogers/Staff / Getty Images