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45 Things I Learned At The Creation Museum

Everything you ever wanted to know about the biggest creation museum in the world.

Backstory: I went to the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky., for the Bill Nye–Ken Ham debate. First off, the museum is HUGE. It's also REALLY nice. Like one of the nicest museums I've ever been to. It took me over three hours to go through it. Through the course of those three hours, I learned just about everything I could possibly ever want to know about creationism. Here, in convenient list form, is everything I learned.

1. The Creation Museum really needs to get better displays of children who have been deprived of creationism.

2. Animals used logs from trees knocked down by the great flood as rafts to get to different continents.

3. This is what creationists think teachers who teach evolution sound like:

View this video on YouTube

They had this special effects show in a big theater with shaking chairs and water sprinklers. It was pretty cool and very Disney. This part caught my attention, though. They were constantly tearing down teachers. Teachers who teach evolution are the worst!

4. The biggest difference between God's word and man's word is that man's word believes in slow processes while God's word is about rapid processes.

It's about the great flood. Everything happened really fast for creationists. See above.

5. Radioactive dating isn't reliable because it yields different results every time.

6. If we weren't there to witness an event, then we can't possibly predict how it got that way.

7. This is how excited kids get when their mothers buy them annual passes to the Creation Museum.

8. Adam was quite hot. He was like the Caesar Milan of his time.

9. God created animals and plants with the ability to adapt to different environments. There's nowhere we see that more than with insects.

10. And especially metallic beetles.

11. It's a man's word vs. God's word issue.

12. Read the Bible to understand where dinosaurs came from.

13. Dinosaurs were vegetarians.

14. This is how we can explain fossils: The great flood happened 4,350 years ago, destroying everything. This accounted for massive fossil layers.

15. Marsupials have pouches, which make them slower. They were the first to be buried in the great flood because of that.

16. Darwin was wrong.

17. And antibiotic resistance is not an example of evolution in action.

18. Noah fed the animals on the ark through a cage system. He probably or might have made dry food like dog and cat food before the flood came.

19. The ark may have had drawers where the poop dropped down and was easy to remove.

20. Creationists like to use Mount St. Helens as an example for why creationism is true.

The Grand Canyon is another popular example to use.

21. Adam named all the animals in a few hours, at most.

22. The Creation Museum uses some pretty incredible stock photography.

23. The present is not the key to the past.

24. Adam and Eve did it in a pond surrounded by lilies.

And also in a forest surrounded by dinosaurs (there was a dinosaur behind them).

25. When the flood happened, it was absolutely terrifying and there were tigers and humans on rocks.

26. The ark was 12 buses long.

27. God made male and female fit for different roles from the beginning.

28. The Creation Museum has the most perfect and fitting "do not touch" display signs.

29. Adam ruined everything.

30. There were no weeds!

31. And NO ONE AGED!

32. After he sinned, Adam had fleshy abs.

33. Animatronic figures of Bible murders are creepy.

34. The oldest man in the world was this guy, Methuselah. He was 969 years old.

35. Charles Templeton = the enemy to creationists.

There was this big display with a graveyard and graves that said "God Is Dead."

36. Graffiti in the modern world is a sign of the abandonment of God.

37. Today man decides whatever.

38. Scripture abandoned at home leads to a generation no different than the world.

39. Wives jealous of pastors and brothers looking at porn together are a consequence of our sinful world.

They had these pretty amazing videos of a jealous wives and weed-smoking brothers playing in a display of the godless world.

40. This description is everything.

41. The Creation Museum has, quite possibly, the scariest door ever.

After you see that terrifying door, there is a terrifying room with terrifying Nazi noises (Hitler yelling) that shows our sinful world today.

42. We see things differently because we have different starting points.

43. This is what a skeleton reading the Bible looks like:

44. This is the TL;DR version of creationism.

45. And lastly, we were once friends with dinosaurs.