Backstory: I went to the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky., for the Bill Nye–Ken Ham debate. First off, the museum is HUGE. It’s also REALLY nice. Like one of the nicest museums I’ve ever been to. It took me over three hours to go through it. Through the course of those three hours, I learned just about everything I could possibly ever want to know about creationism. Here, in convenient list form, is everything I learned.
1. The Creation Museum really needs to get better displays of children who have been deprived of creationism.
These two just weren’t cutting it. They greet you pretty early on in the museum.
2. Animals used logs from trees knocked down by the great flood as rafts to get to different continents.
3. This is what creationists think teachers who teach evolution sound like:
They had this special effects show in a big theater with shaking chairs and water sprinklers. It was pretty cool and very Disney. This part caught my attention, though. They were constantly tearing down teachers. Teachers who teach evolution are the worst!
5. Radioactive dating isn’t reliable because it yields different results every time.
6. If we weren’t there to witness an event, then we can’t possibly predict how it got that way.
An example they used to describe this was artificial sapphires.
7. This is how excited kids get when their mothers buy them annual passes to the Creation Museum.
8. Adam was quite hot. He was like the Caesar Milan of his time.
Penguins loved him.
9. God created animals and plants with the ability to adapt to different environments. There’s nowhere we see that more than with insects.
God loves variety!
10. And especially metallic beetles.
The insect exhibit had all of these placards that say to THINK CRITICALLY about the issues.
The question asked: How could intricate design features such as structural refraction and use of polarized light have slowly evolved?
Answer: God says in the Bible that we shall not worry about clothing. God clothes the grass in the field like he clothes you. I think that’s what that means?
11. It’s a man’s word vs. God’s word issue.
13. Dinosaurs were vegetarians.
Actually, ALL ANIMALS used to be a vegetarian.
14. This is how we can explain fossils: The great flood happened 4,350 years ago, destroying everything. This accounted for massive fossil layers.
15. Marsupials have pouches, which make them slower. They were the first to be buried in the great flood because of that.
16. Darwin was wrong.
17. And antibiotic resistance is not an example of evolution in action.
18. Noah fed the animals on the ark through a cage system. He probably or might have made dry food like dog and cat food before the flood came.
19. The ark may have had drawers where the poop dropped down and was easy to remove.
20. Creationists like to use Mount St. Helens as an example for why creationism is true.
Because Mount St. Helens altered the environment so fast, it makes the creation argument valid.
The Grand Canyon is another popular example to use.
21. Adam named all the animals in a few hours, at most.
22. The Creation Museum uses some pretty incredible stock photography.
23. The present is not the key to the past.
“Modern catastrophes provide only clues about those times.” If we weren’t there, we couldn’t possibly know. The Bible is a first-person account of the past. It is a historical text. It’s the only thing we can use.
24. Adam and Eve did it in a pond surrounded by lilies.
And also in a forest surrounded by dinosaurs (there was a dinosaur behind them).
The models of Adam and Eve were surprisingly erotic.
25. When the flood happened, it was absolutely terrifying and there were tigers and humans on rocks.
This was a miniature display showing what the world looked like as the flood happened. Very scary.
26. The ark was 12 buses long.
The museum had iPads set up where you could play ark trivia. One question was: How big was the ark? I guessed a football field long. I was wrong.
27. God made male and female fit for different roles from the beginning.
28. The Creation Museum has the most perfect and fitting “do not touch” display signs.
29. Adam ruined everything.
30. There were no weeds!
31. And NO ONE AGED!
Damn you, Adam.
The museum also had displays that said there was no venom, no death, and no one had to work.
32. After he sinned, Adam had fleshy abs.
33. Animatronic figures of Bible murders are creepy.
The museum was actually very high-tech. Most of the figures moved. This was a model of Cain killing Abel.
34. The oldest man in the world was this guy, Methuselah. He was 969 years old.
He’s the one who told Noah to make the ark.
36. Graffiti in the modern world is a sign of the abandonment of God.
In the godless world exhibits, there was a lot of graffiti.
37. Today man decides whatever.
No more truth.
38. Scripture abandoned at home leads to a generation no different than the world.
A little confusing.
40. This description is everything.
41. The Creation Museum has, quite possibly, the scariest door ever.
When you enter the world of sin, you see this door. The Creation Museum is made for children, and I can’t imagine that this door wouldn’t scar them.
After you see that terrifying door, there is a terrifying room with terrifying Nazi noises (Hitler yelling) that shows our sinful world today.
42. We see things differently because we have different starting points.
Again, it’s God’s word vs. man’s word.
43. This is what a skeleton reading the Bible looks like:
44. This is the TL;DR version of creationism.
45. And lastly, we were once friends with dinosaurs.
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