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The 50 Funniest Celebrity Quotes Of The 2000s

The decade may have sucked, but its been a great one for crazy/stupid/hilarious celebrity quotes. Here are 50 of the best of them.

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  • 1. Whitney Houston, on crack (2002)

    “Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let’s get that straight. OK? We don’t do crack. We don’t do that. Crack is whack.”

  • 2. Jessica Simpson, on tuna (2003)

    "Is this chicken or is this fish?"

  • 3. Tom Cruise clashes with Matt Lauer about psychology (2005)

    “Psychiatry is a pseudoscience.... You don’t know the history of psychiatry. I do...Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, you don’t even -you’re glib. You don’t even know what Ritalin is."

  • 4. Mel Gibson, after being pulled over (2003)

    "What are you looking at sugar-tits?"

  • 5. Arnold Schwarzenegger, on gay marriage (2003)

    "I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman."

  • 6. Kellie Pickler, on "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader" (2007)

    "I thought Europe was a country?"

  • 7. Mariah Carey, before entering rehab (2001)

    “I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows.”

  • 8. Britney Spears, on her virginity (2002)

    “The virginity issue. There are so many emotions involved that I would like to be able to wait until I know I’m with the right person and I’m married.”

  • 9. Paris Hilton, on Wal-Mart (2003)

    “Wal-mart... do they like make walls there?”

  • 10. Heidi Montag, on Jesus and sex tapes (2008)

    “I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God…. God knows the truth in all of [the Lauren Conrad sex tape rumors], and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know?”

  • 11. Matthew McConaughey, on the birth of his son Levi (2008)

    “We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music.”

  • 12. Sarah Palin, on what newspapers she reads (2008)

    "All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years."

  • 13. Jessica Simpson, on being from Texas (2003)

    "I’m not anorexic. I’m from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I’ve never heard of one. And that includes me."

  • 14. Christina Aguilera, on wearing clothes (2006)

    "I wouldn't feel right wearing clothes covering my body."

  • 15. Ricky Martin, on golden showers (2006)

    "I love giving the golden shower. I've done it before in the shower. It's, like, so sexy."

  • 16. Loretta Lynn, on Michael Jackson (2002)

    "I liked Michael Jackson better dark. And I liked his nose a lot better, too. If he has any more taken off, I don't know how he's gonna breathe."

  • 17. George Bush, on himself (2000)

    "They misunderestimated me"

  • 18. Tara Reid, on how smart she is (2005)

    "I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist."

  • 19. Coldplay's Chris Martin, on charity work (2006)

    "Can we got on with this? I've got to do AIDS and Alzheimer's and land mines this afternoon, and I want to get back for Deal or No Deal. Plus, Gwyneth's making drumsticks."

  • 20. Vladimir Putin, explaining why he approached a young boy in a group of tourists, lifted his shirt, and kissed his bare stomach (2006)

    "I'll be honest, I felt an urge to squeeze him like a kitten and that led to the gesture I made. There was nothing behind it really."

  • 21. Marlon Brando, on Leonardo DiCaprio (2002)

    "He looks like a girl."

  • 22. Lil' Wayne, on studying (2006)

    "I learned this from a college graduate. She'd smoke a joint the night before a test, while she was studying, and then again in the morning and everything she had read would come right back. I tried this shit five times and I swear to God, I've never made less than a 92."

  • 23. George Bush, on The Google (2006)

    "Occasionally. One of the things I've used on the Google is to pull up maps. It's very interesting to see -- I've forgot the name of the program -- but you get the satellite, and you can -- like, I kinda like to look at the ranch. It reminds me of where I wanna be sometimes."

  • 24. Jessica Simpson's Dad, on her boobs (2005)

    "She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up!"

  • 25. Miley Cyrus, on Jay-Z (2009)

    "I've never heard a Jay-Z song."

  • 26. Siegfried of Siegfried & Roy, on his house (2000)

    "If you live with 58 lions and tigers, then you will always have a lot of pussy in the house."

  • 27. Chris Kattan, on movies (2002)

    "I love any movie that has a retarded person working at Starbucks."

  • 28. Ozzy Osbourne, on subtitles (2002)

    "I think MTV should consider using subtitles. Half the time, even I can't understand what the fuck I'm talking about."

  • 29. Hugh Hefner, on his life (2002)

    "My life is an open book. With illustrations."

  • 30. Pete Sampras, on his wedding (2002)

    "I didn't have a big fat Greek wedding, but I have a lot of fat Greek friends."

  • 31. Kid Rock, on being president (2002)

    "If I was president of the good old U.S.A., I'd turn the churches into strip clubs and watch the whole world pray."

  • 32. Hugh Grant, on his smile (2000)

    "Let's face it: The teeth are getting more and more British every day. I look in the mirror and see Austin Powers staring at me."

  • 33. Hillary Clinton, on her people (2000)

    "Motown, Motown, that's my era. Those are my people."

  • 34. Steven Seagal, on being a spiritual leader (2000)

    "People all over the world recognize me as a spiritual leader."

  • 35. Denise Richards, on love (2007)

    "I am truly not one to give advice. I'm divorced and I stole my best friend's husband."

  • 36. Bette Midler, on sex (2004)

    "If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it? "

  • 37. Britney Spears, on fame (2001)

    "I get to go to a lot of overseas places, like Canada."

  • 38. Simon Cowell, on Paula Abdul (2002)

    "I actually don't understand a word Paula's saying anymore. It's like a new language."

  • 39. Faith Hill, after a fan grabbed her husband's balls (2007)

    "Somebody needs to teach you some class, my friend. You don't go grabbin' somebody else's, somebody's husband's [private parts], you understand me? That's very disrespectful."

  • 40. Melissa Etheridge, after winning an Oscar (2007)

    "This is the only naked man that will ever be in my bedroom."

  • 41. Russell Crowe, on throwing a phone at someone (2005)

    "This is possibly the most shameful situation I've ever gotten myself in in my life, and I've done some pretty dumb things in my life. So to actually make a new No. 1 is spectacularly stupid."

  • 42. Martha Stewart, after being asked about her stock dealings (2002)

    "I want to focus on my salad."

  • 43. Bode Miller, after sucking at the Olympics (2006)

    "I got to party and socialize at an Olympic level."

  • 44. Tila Tequila, on shooting a safe sex commercial (2008)

    "I’m shooting a commercial for safe sex. How ironic. Because I don’t have that."

  • 45. Kanye West, on his legacy (2008)

    "I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade. I will be the loudest voice."

  • 46. Sarah Jessica Parker, on motherhood (2009)

    "I love the smell of diapers; I even like when they're wet and you smell them all warm liked a baked good. I love the smell of Balmex. Love it."

  • 47. Guy Ritchie, on Madonna (2009)

    "I still love her. But she's retarded, too."

  • 48. Britney Spears, after her wardrobe malfunction (2009)

    "OMG my pussy is hanging out."

  • 49. Barack Obama, on jeans (2009)

    "Those jeans are comfortable, and for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I'm sorry I'm not the guy. It just doesn't fit me. I'm not 20."

  • 50. Brooke Hogan, on politics (2008)

    “You know what? I am actually not that much into voting. I think it’s kinda crazy that a woman is running, because I think that women deal with a lot of emotions and menopause and PMS and stuff. Like, I’m so moody all the time, I know I couldn’t be able to run a country, ‘cause I’d be crying one day and yelling at people the next day, ya know?”