Celebrity

Ryan Gosling Makes First Public Appearance In Months, Pumps Gas, And Saves Your Soul

HE HAS RISEN. REJOICE.

1. In an appearance unparalleled since the rising of Jesus Christ from a cave in Jerusalem long ago in olden times, lit’ral “hot” god Ryan Gosling came back into our lives at a gas station this week.

And now, as we do, let’s celebrate this with a Bible verse from Luke something or other: “For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found. So they began to celebrate.”

3. AND CELEBRATE WE WILL.

HALLELUJAH. HALLELUJAH. AMEN. AMEN.

4. He was wearing a plaid blue shirt, sunglasses, black pants, and boots. His breasts free in the wind.

J.Sharma / PacificCoastNews

5. As He decided which grade of gasoline to put in His machine, His forearms flexed. His eyes strained. And an angel got its wings.

J.Sharma / PacificCoastNews

Notice, there are lit’ral flowers behind him, a sign of divinity.

6. Then, at that moment, a ray of light hit His Adam’s apple and He knew it was time. It was time to fill that puppy up.

J.Sharma / PacificCoastNews

7. He inserted His nozzle into the car, pressed the lever, and she (or him IDK the sex of his car) was filled.

J.Sharma / PacificCoastNews

8. He put the lever back, completely exhausted from His previous deed.

J.Sharma / PacificCoastNews

9. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Amen. Amen.

J.Sharma / PacificCoastNews

10. He looks over his car for any other holy business that needs doing.

J.Sharma / PacificCoastNews

11. There is none. So He pulls the door open. Gets in. And leaves.

J.Sharma / PacificCoastNews

We are not worthy.

Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Amen. Amen.

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