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Dear Little Mix, You Have Cured Me Of My Homosexuality

I feel weird.

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I woke up this morning feeling every bit the huge homo I normally do. Gay thoughts of Drag Race, eating ass, and Stacie Orrico's legacy ran through my mind as I started browsing YouTube to check out the pop music vids that came out overnight.

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Scrolling through my v. gay "suggested videos" of Jessica Simpson's criminally underrated "A Little Bit" and that video of Celine Dion talking about kayaks on Larry King, I came across something new.

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Well, sugar me britches, it was a new Little Mix video called "No More Sad Songs."

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I pressed play.

Bojan89 / Getty Images

The music video takes place at the Wild Beaver Saloon. Now, I'm no mathematician or heterosexual, but I DO know that "beaver" is slang for vagina. Interesting, I thought.

The girls walk into the "vagina" bar and seem confused. I'm like "same..." but I'm about to be confused about every damn thing I've ever known.

That's when, well, shit, it happened.

Their hypnosis began.

A strange set of feelings came over my body like a bat of out of hell!

Suddenly I became obsessed with boobs (not for just aesthetic reasons).

I could only think about drinking regular soda.

My shoes literally disappeared off my feet and transformed into flip flops with socks! The sorcery!

My cute briefs turned into putrid grey boxers with questionably large holes.

Cargo shorts appeared on my legs.

I even feel embarrassed to order wine at a restaurant!

All I want to do is argue about cars...

... and wear snapbacks to the gym.

Jesus, save me—I thought—for I am becoming straight.

All of these unnatural thoughts coming over my brain.

MY LOINS. MY PRECIOUS LOINS.

Little Mix, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! For the entirety of four minutes and nine seconds you have made me a sad straight man!

The Westboro Baptist Church could never.

Gays, be weary. I HAVE WARNED YOU. This video will change you:

View this video on YouTube

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Epilogue:

I remembered dick a few minutes after watching this video and I am back to being gay.

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