Skip To Content
  • lol badge
  • win badge
  • Olympics badge

We Need To Talk About Marta Karolyi

My dream in life is for Marta Karolyi to give me a dirty look.

Let me tell you a little story about a magical queen ruling over a kingdom of legends (Team USA) in a world of flops (the rest of the international competition).

*Sips gatorade*

Her name is Marta Karolyi and she is the one true HBIC of gymnastics.

Ronald Martinez / Getty Images

She has been basically responsible for Team USA's gymnastics slayage over the past 16 years.

NBC / Via

Her husband is technically responsible for this too. But let's be real: It's Marta's world, Bela's just living in it.

She has seen it all.

Doug Pensinger / Getty Images

She has coached the best.

Al Bello / Getty Images

And she is the MASTER of facial expressions.

Marta is not here for your flop ass bars routine.

She has no time for your basic ass falling off the beam.

And she sure as hell isn't here for you taking a twist out of your tumbling pass.

Basically, don't fuck with her.

She will follow you everywhere.

It is believed that Marta transmits her powers by wrapping her hands around the necks of her athletes and squeezing.

It's been a key component to Team USA's success.

If you're lucky, she might squish your face.

Watch as she smothers Simone Biles.

Simone is the #1 athlete in the world. Coincidence? I think not.

In one month Marta and her minions will take over Rio and destroy the competition.

No one stands a chance around the high five queen.

You all better pay attention.

Timothy A. Clary / AFP / Getty Images


*Laughs maniacally*