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    Dear USA, Wake The Fuck Up And Start Realizing "Chantaje" >>>> "Despacito"

    The better song should win in the end.

    The other day, I had a revelation:

    Woke up with a clear mind and a revelation: Chantaje >>>>>> Despacito.

    After I tweeted out my revelation, I was rightfully dragged.

    People were riled and I was getting reamed.


    Now, people, I understand. I am a dumb white person who ages like sour cream. I am obviously behind on the the times and worthy of this dragging...but oftentimes Americans need reeducation.

    You see, while North America is jizzing themselves for "Despacito," a better song is just in the shadows that was a HUGE HIT just about everywhere else. That song is called "Chantaje" and it is fucking awesome.

    View this video on YouTube

    Also, before we get problematic, I understand that there is room for many, many Spanish songs in the US — I'm just picking this example because I really, really, REALLY love "Chantaje."

    Now, here's why...

    First of all, the song is by the queen of small and humble breasts, Shakira.

    Secondly, we all know that the that the *new* "Despacito" features Justin Bieber...

    ...but why listen to JB when you can listen to "Chantaje," which features Maluma?

    I mean, holy tits!

    The music video also has Shakira making me question my homosexuality.

    But then Maluma comes back in and it's like..

    ...never mind, gay again.

    There are also baby-sounding voices throughout the song, which is, needless to say, very catchy.

    Shakira does a boob pop. I'm here for it.

    And she even walks a damn pig!

    The song is honestly just amazing and I want everyone in the US to know about it and I want it to go No. 1 and I want Maluma to be my husband.

    End of story and thank you for your time. #SupportChantaje

    View this video on YouTube