11 Sharting Dating Horror Stories
The only thing worse than sharting is sharting on a date. Enjoy!
1. The boyfriend's-lap shart:
"I was finally getting over three days of food poisoning and still feeling pretty miserable. It was the summertime, so I had short shorts on. My boyfriend at the time wanted to comfort me and told me to sit on his lap while we watched TV. A few minutes in and I thought I had to fart, so I did. NOPE. One super-messy shart, complete with my shit going through my clothes and onto his leg."
2. The his-and-hers double shart:
"This guy I had been dating only for a couple of months asked me to go camping for the weekend in upstate New York. We partied hard all weekend and I wasn't feeling great the morning we left, so I dropped a load in the forest. (There were no bathrooms.) An hour in on our ride back I try to fart — but realize very quickly that I need a toilet fast! Squeezing my asscheeks together for dear life, we make it to a McDonald's. I experience explosive diarrhea but feel it's safe to continue on our journey. Before we leave my boyfriend tells me that he has to go to the bathroom too because he "doesn’t feel clean." We get about 10 miles down the road and he proceeds to tell me that he also sharted himself."
3. The long-distance-boyfriend shart:
"I was visiting my long-distance boyfriend for the first time at his house he shared with four other college guys. We woke up early one morning and he left to get breakfast. Since this was our first real visit, I was embarrassed about farting around him, so I had been holding it for a while. The second he left I let it out, but all I felt was something warm dripping down my legs and all over the floor. I decided to wrap myself in a towel and hobble to the bathroom, but first I had to walk past his roommate. He looked me dead in the eye as I was walking in a towel with brown liquid running down my legs."
4. The pepperoni-pizza shart:
"My girlfriend and I were driving up to New Hampshire and stopped for a pepperoni pizza. It started storming as we were driving away and I tried to let one squeak out but felt the pudding and let out a “whoop.” She asked what was wrong and I asked if she had napkins. She had had nothing for me, so I got up (wearing faded yellow shorts) and asked if she could see it. She could. I was in grad school and luckily had printer paper in my bag, so I cleaned myself outside in the pouring rain on the side of the road. We’re engaged now."
5. The huge-mess-on-the-bed shart:
"It was the first time meeting my boyfriend’s (now husband’s) parents. We were visiting them for the holidays and I had a severe case of the flu. One morning, I was lying down in the guest bedroom while my husband was helping with breakfast. I farted and it came out super moist. I was wearing a nightie and no underwear and it was a huge mess on the bed! I was so embarrassed and my boyfriend came in and started gagging and throwing up extremely loud."
6. The morning-sex shart:
"I was at the place of a guy that I used to date. We had sex and I spent the night. The next morning I went to the bathroom, and while I was washing my hands I meant to let out a fart, but I actually just fully shit myself. After panicking for a whole five minutes, I managed to clean myself up and clean my underwear in the sink (it was black, thankfully). I put my wet underwear back and when I opened the bedroom door, he woke up. I “sexily” slid off my damp underwear and got back into bed with him. He never knew, and that is my proudest accomplishment."
7. The sleeping shart:
"This happened the first time my ex-husband spent the night at my house when we were dating. I woke up in the morning before him and smelled what I thought was cat shit, so I spent a good 10 minutes searching my room thinking my asshole cat had shit somewhere, but found nothing. After he had left, I walked into my bedroom to find the sheets all pulled off the bed and in a pile on the floor. He had sharted in the middle of the night. That should have been my first sign the marriage was doomed."
8. The visit-from-mom shart:
My boyfriend and I took my mom to this awesome hole-in-the-wall Southern buffet we love. It was mom’s first visit and she stuffed herself with homemade fried chicken. When we were leaving she mentioned her stomach felt funny. Next thing I know she’s standing beside the car with a look of total horror. What she thought was an innocent fart was explosive diarrhea. We rode all the way home with the windows down in 40-degree weather.
9. The failed-master-plan shart:
"I was on a first date with a gorgeous woman at a bar. My stomach had been gurgling and grumbling for awhile. The music was super loud and there were a lot of people around, so I decided to fart and get her to walk outside for a smoke. My plans were quickly derailed as I realized there was a giant load in my pants where only stinky air was supposed to be. I head to the bathroom to assess the situation. It was bad. I didn’t even think to ditch my underwear and go commando, so I wore them for the rest of the night. We ended up dating for three years, and when I eventually told her she had a good laugh."
10. The detox-tea shart:
"I had just started dating my boyfriend. I was in the midst of a 14-day 'detox tea' cleanse. I was getting ready and felt a fart come along. SPOILER ALERT: IT WAS NOT A FART. I texted my mother frantically, who simply responded, "Alexa Reigh, I told you never to trust a fart!" I balled up my underwear and changed (luckily, had extra clothes) and contemplated what to do with the soiled clothing. I needed to GTFO of my boyfriend's tiny apartment. I told him I wasn't feeling well and was going to run to the store, but he insisted on going for me. I ended up throwing poopy underwear over his balcony and it hit someone else's balcony (oops)."
—Alexa Adkins, Facebook
11. The powdered-bleach shart puddle:
"I was hanging out with a guy I had just started seeing and we were watching a movie. I felt sick, went to the bathroom, and started throwing up. As I was throwing up, I let out what I thought was a fart, but turned out to be uncontrollable diarrhea all over this poor guy's bathroom floor. I searched for anything to clean the shit up, but all I could find was toilet paper and Comet powdered bleach. So I poured the Comet onto the poop puddle and tried my best to wipe it up. I hopped in the shower to rinse off, put my dress back on, wadded up my undies, and walked back into the room pretending like nothing happened."
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.