Then: She drank cigarettes.
Now: She drinks wine.
Then: She sat in a confessional room telling her theory about why the ocean is salty.
Now: She sits in front of two big-ass bottles of Purell and does crafts.
Then: "Crey, crey crey. Ee. Eeee. Eeee. Rah. Rahrahrah. Hee!"
Now: "Netflix, Playdates, Wine, and Cuddles."
Then: This was her list of her ideal "manguido."
Now: This is her list of her ideal day.
Then: She didn't know how to pronounce "tofu."
Now: She's selling children's books.
Then: She's just like a pilgrim from the 1920s washing dishes.
Now: She's a modern day Dominique Moceanu doing headstands in her living room.
Then: She was throwing up sangwiches.
Now: SHE'S THROWING HER FEET IN THE AIR BECAUSE SHE'S STANDING ON ONE HAND.
Then: This is a letter she wrote to Sam lol.
Now: This is a bag she designed lol.
Then: A smurf.
Now: A bee.
Then: She stole plants and had sex with old men.
Now: She has photo shoots with her children on stoops.
Then: A typical night out.
Now: A typical night out.
Then: She fed lobsters worms.
Now: She's feeding children actual food.
Then: She's really into saving these lobsters.
Now: She's really into her graphic tees with momlike phrases.
Then: Had to poop.
Now: Honestly still probably has to poop.
Deputy Editorial Director, Devout Member of the Church of Godney
Contact Matt Stopera at email@example.com.
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