It's Time We Realize Britney Spears Is Actually God
Happy 34th bb.
Ordained by the blessed womb and Holy Spearit that is Lynne Spears’ vagina, Britney Jean Spears was basically immaculately concepted because she is Godney, bitch.
For 34 years now, the woman known simply as "Godney Jean" (or Brenda Joan -- long story) has been slaying your faves, flipping her hair, and forgiving your sorry ass sins.
Christians never even stood a chance.
In her 34th year, Britney Spears has taken to Instagram like your problematic aunt has taken to Facebook.
She. Never. Stops. Posting.
While the source of her random ass memes are unknown (Google image search: "inspirational quotes" ???), they still are, well, iconic.
You, me, and the world are better people because of Britney Spears' random ass Instagram posting sprees.
Accomplishment wise, for 239 years there was this thing called the Declaration of Independence, now we just have "Gimme More."
Sir Isaac Newton discovered this thing called gravity, Britney Spears made "Toxic."
Even the Pope has an opinion about which holy text is more sacred: "Blackout" or "In The Zone."
In her 34th year, Britney Spears has also destroyed Iggy Azalea...
...helped a young girl recover from a brain aneurysm + stroke...
... and made some British lady named Adele relevant again.
Before accepting Godney as her savior, Taylor Swift was a sad, tragic flop who played at river festivals.
Now, she's like really popular.
Godney's impact is everywhere.
You can find Godney waiting in line at Starbucks looking every bit as messy as you do hungover on Sunday mornings...
... in the line at Target thinking about all the useless shit she is buying that she doesn't need...
... at church (some people call it Planet Hollywood)...
... summoning an orgry...
... or telling men to suck her fucking toe.
Did I mention she loves all her gay boys?
OKAY, SO, TO WRAP IT UP AND SAVE YOURSELF
Godney is literally everywhere.
Accept her as your savior or suffer deep damnation*.
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