1. Long ago, like 12 years ago, in the dreary days of Sisqo’s silver head, Ed Hardy, and Von Dutch trucker hats, a problematic trend began. This trend, a literal “pube killer,” became known as “manscaping.”
2. * Sounds the pube alarm *
4. Manscaping spread rapidly, almost like a deadly contagious virus comparable to the one on that dreaded poop cruise of 2013. It seemed like men everywhere were trimming, plucking, and, most unfortunately, de-pubing.
5. Scary thing is, it continues to this day.
6. Last week, we delved into the horrors of chest shaving. This week, we take a deeper dive. And by deeper dive, I mean pubes.
7. It’s time to stand up for the little guys (pubes).
11. Aesthetically speaking, they’re also charming. They add character. They are nice.
14. From my completely unscientific understanding, pheromones are like, to quote John Mayer (SORRY), sexual napalm.
19. Lastly, and most importantly, there is nothing more creepy than a man with a completely shaved crotch. You look like a puffy tween.
20. And I’ll be damned if every man looked like a puffy tween. The injustice.
22. And I GET IT, some people trim. You can do whatever the fuck you want to do with your body. I’m just advocating for pubes. It’s my job. It’s the right thing to do.
23. So what can you?
- Miami Marlins star pitcher José Fernández has died in a boating accident. He was 24.