Howdy, BuzzFeed. Our names are Matt and Jack. We have known each other for seven years. On Feb. 12, 2015, we decided to take our friendship to the next level and get our buttholes steamed together.
We found out about butthole steaming the way we find out about most things: through Gwyneth Paltrow.
In an issue of her iconic publication Goop, Gwyneth says she gets her vagina steamed at a salon in Santa Monica.
We looked up the spa (Tikkun Spa), and that's where we saw it...
BUTTHOLE STEAMING.
Because most men don't have a vagina, Tikkun Spa does another treatment called an "A-Steam." That's a glorified name for a "butthole steam."
This is what it says about it on the website: Originally a treatment for the Emperor of China, the A Steam for men is invigorating and detoxifying. Aids in reducing muscle tension, inflammation and lactic acid for athletes. Improves cardiovascular performance and induces deeper sleep. Soothes hemorrhoids and assists in anal cleansing. Increasing energy and enhancing general health.
So, after seeing the words "anal cleansing," we did the next logical thing and made an appointment.
This is our journey to the butthole brotherhood.
1. First and foremost, butthole steaming gowns exist and they are really great and fabulous.
2. While you're in your butthole steaming gown, you have to channel your inner Gwyneth and take a demure Renaissance-inspired picture.
3. This is the butthole and vagina steaming room aka this is where Gwyneth gets her vagina steamed. It smells herby and is very "zen."
4. The butthole steamers are referred to as "thrones."
Makes sense because It is very toil-esque (meaning like a toilet). The throne is covered in towels, which look inviting, but the hole itself is slightly terrifying. It's a little too industrial looking for buttholes, tbh.
5. Also there is no penetration. Nothing actually goes inside your butthole. Except steam.
6. No penis in the pot.
Getting seated on your throne is like pooping on a toilet except different because there is hot steam and boiling water under you. We cannot emphasize this enough: Be CAREFUL with your genitals. Testicular safety is IMPORTANT. "Penis boiling" was something we were warned about.
7. Your first instinct is to go to the highest level of butthole steaming. DO NOT DO IT.
8. If you put it up to a level 10, your scrotum will start to steam/burn.
See here:
View this video on YouTube
9. The heat controller is your best friend. Keep it around a level 3 or a level 4.
10. Reminder: Your genitals are not Gwyneth Paltrow's genitals.
Apparently Gwyn takes a high heat on her vagina. We could not.
11. Be ready for sudden strange sensations.
12. In terms of overall sensations, your butthole will feel very warm. Your butthole will sweat. It will feel cleansing.
View this video on YouTube
This video was taken midway through the steam. We had just lowered the temperature from the highest it could be to a mid-range temperature. It was definitely a moment of enlightenment.
13. This is what our buttholes (probably) looked like mid-steam.
14. Minute 22 of 30 is a really great minute.
View this video on YouTube
15. Fanning your butthole with your gown is completely necessary.
16. Getting up from the throne after the 30-minute steam is an incredible feeling. It's like when you go from a Jacuzzi to a cool pool.
17. You don't have to shower after your butthole steaming because the herbs are natural and self-cleaning or something.
18. Afterward, for the next few hours, your butthole is definitely a little more limber.
19. We both fell asleep super early that night. Like, really early.
20. The steaming is more of a bonding experience than a spa treament. It's fun to steam together. Enjoy yourselves. You're on a ride to supreme butthole nirvana. Once you complete this journey you are butthole brothers for life.
21. And no, we did not poop (immediately) after.
