31 Reasons Why We Should Weep For The Children Of Today

VMA edition.

There’s a problem with the children of today and it all revolves around their cultural deficiency.

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Yes, they don’t know shit.

1. The culturally impoverished children of today will never understand the true iconic nature of holding the VMAs at its one true home(s), Radio City or the Metropolitan Opera House.

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2. They’ll never experience the best VMA host of all time, Chris Rock, destroying everyone in his white suit…

3. …or see some creepy dude with a giant dong in a trench coat, with his wife Pam Anderson in a fluffy “pimp” hat.

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4. They’ll never understand this weird-ass bindi phase Madonna went through…

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5. …or recognize the importance of Lil Kim’s floating seashell embellished tit and the moment Diana Ross jiggled it.

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6. They will never, ever be able to comprehend why Kid Rock was at all popular…

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7. …get secondhand embarrassment from Prince and his awkward penis line…

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8. …or feel complete confusion staring at Marilyn Manson’s puffy vagina crotch thing.

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9. The youth of today won’t even be able to figure out who this person is…

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10. …or appreciate the prolific nature of Chris Kirkpatrick’s pineapple head…

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11. …or know Justin Timberlake as the guy who wore ribbed turtlenecks and multicolored pleather pants.

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12. I can pretty much almost guarantee the VMAs will never see someone with hair, jeans, or a cape (?) like Pink.

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13. They’ll never understand how exciting it was to see just how fucked up the way Tina Knowles styled Destiny’s Child was…

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…whether it be in turquoise jewelry, ponchos, and orange FRINGED leather…

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…or simply thick slabs of denim. Tina truly upped her game for the VMAs and it’s sad that children these days will never understand that.

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14. They’ll never see The Rock dressed wearing gold aluminum foil…

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15. …or Justin Timberlake covered in graffiti behind a desk at a PC.

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16. They’ll never understand the disappointment of Jennifer Lopez winning Best Dance Video even though it should have been Britney Spears…

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…or see Jennifer Lopez holding hands with P Diddy or whatever he’s called now.

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17. They will never understand the cultural importance of this little man with a silver head wearing an outfit made entirely of leather (without a shirt).

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18. Lil Kim means nothing to them…

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…same with Fred Durst and Daphne Aguilera…

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…and who are you again?

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19. They’ll never experience a grouping as iconic and influential as the “Lady Marmalade” four…

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…or a duet partnership as fluid and effortless as J.Lo and Ja Rule and that bucket hat…

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20. They’ll also never see a fashion accessory quite as dumb as Nelly’s Band-Aid.

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21. They’ll never see another trio of women quite as awesome as TLC…

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22. …or know Aaliyah as the flawless human being that she was.

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23. They’ll never get to laugh at just how tragic JC Chasez dressed…

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24. …feel true remorse watching these two grow apart right before our eyes…

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25. …or get to see a clusterfuck of Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, and the criminally underrated girl group, Dream.

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26. They’ll never know that Eminem once had a chest that was basically painted on…

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27. …see Jimmy Fallon bullying Enrique Iglesias’ former giant mole…

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28. …witness Kelly Clarkson’s chunky-ass highlights and whatever his name is…

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29. …and understand Avril Lavigne’s relevancy.

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30. They’ll never get to question Christina Aguilera’s exposed thong…

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…question her ode to Big Bird…

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…or, in general, wonder what the fuck she was thinking when she got dressed that day.

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31. Lastly, and most importantly, they’ll never understand the reign of the true queen…

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…the pioneer and legend…

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…the person who is solely responsible for keeping these goddamn award shows relevant for all these years…

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I’M TALKING ABOUT BRITNEY SPEARS.

There will never be another person to completely own an award show quite like her.

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Whether it be with Banana, the most iconic snake of all time…

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…that crimped hair and an exposed bedazzled thong…

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Truth is: Britney invented the VMAs.

And don’t get me started about the kiss that literally stopped the world.

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