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89 Thoughts Guys Have While Walking Around Dick's Sporting Goods

We want everything.

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1. Okay, all I need is a couple pairs of socks. I'll be in and out of here.

2. DAMN this place is bigger than I remember.

3. Okay, okay — FOCUS!

4. Where are the sock…. Ooooh is that a putting green?

5. Wow, this putter would shave at least eight strokes off my game.

6. I am sort of in the market for a new set of wedges.

7. How do people spin the ball backwards? I wanna do that.

8. Oh wow, they have a DRIVING CAGE?!?!

9. Let me find a Dick's employee to let me in there…

10. How does Rory McIroy hit the ball 150 yards farther than me?

11. Why are golf balls so friggin' expensive?

12. Damn, how do I tell this guy that I'm too poor to buy a $400 driver?

13. I'll just walk away briskly.

14. You know what? I haven't played competitive baseball in about ten years — I could use a new bat.


16. I totally would have been all-county if I had a bat like this in high school.

17. Okay, these wood bats are a lot heavier than I expected.

18. Maybe I should buy some batting gloves and act like I'm Drake.


19. Are those wiffleballs? I should probably buy a case.

20. When the fuck did they start covering the rim on the basketball hoops?

21. I wish I had someone with me to throw the football around.

22. I'll just throw it into that basket.

23. Do I need a new pair of cleats? You know, just to have?

24. Probably — my playing days aren't over yet.

25. Athletic cups are so funny.

26. They sell football helmets here? Why the hell would someone buy their own football helmet.

27. Man, it would be pretty cool to have a football helmet.

28. How can anyone drop a ball with these gloves? They're so sticky.

29. I wonder if it would be weird to wear one of these shock-resistant mouth guards in public.

30. Technology these days….

31. If lacrosse was a thing when I was growing up I totally would have been awesome at it.

32. Probably would have went to an Ivy League school too.

33. I wonder if my roller blades are still in the garage?

34. Do I need a street hockey stick?

35. Do people still play street hockey?

36. I've always wanted a pair of hockey gloves.

37. I wonder if the treadmills are plugged in?

38. I've always wanted a punching bag.

39. Or one of those speed bags from Rocky!

40. I bet I could lift those weights.

41. Shit, I pulled something, Hope no one saw that.



44. Is it weird if I'm mildly attracted to a mannequin?

45. Okay, moving on…

46. Oooooh tents! I haven't gone camping in forever.

47. But you never know when you'll need a tent, right?

48. Damn, this more spacious than my apartment.

49. I COULD use a new beer cooler.

50. Holy shit, this sleeping bag will keep me warm in temperatures up to 15 degrees below zero? I gots to get me one of these.

51. I'm not really a fisherman, but I could be in the market for a bucket hat.

52. Woah, are those crossbows?!?!?

53. I've always wanted to fire one of those bad boys.

54. I'm all for stricter gun laws, but a pump shotgun is pretty badass.

55. Maybe I could get one for decoration? The walnut finish looks pretty classy.

56. All this shit looks SOOO much more dangerous than their NERF equivalents.

57. I think I'd look pretty good in camouflage.

58. But if I buy camo does that mean I have to commit to the lifestyle?

59. I don't even drive a truck.

60. Ohhh those knives are BIG — and shiny!

61. I've been in the market for a duck call since Gordon Bombay and Ducks won the Junior Goodwill Games.

62. How much are those kayaks?

63. Wait, you can buy a fuckin' boat here?

64. Maybe if I get a bike it'll help me get back in shape.

65. Shit, bikes are expensive.

66. I'd be so much cooler if I had a longboard.

67. Never mind — I have zero balance.

68. Oh look, running gear!

69. I'd totally run more often if I had some fly running shirts.

70. People would respect me more if I was a runner.

71. $80 for a running t-shirt? Um, thanks but no thanks Nike.

72. $150 for those flashy kicks thought could be a game changer.

73. Okay, I'm gonna try them on.

74. Wow, I could sleep in these.

75. I wonder what would happen if I just ran out of here?

76. I don't like the sneakers I wore here anyway.

77. Wait, what was I here for again?

78. SOCKS!

79. Oh wow, there are a lot of socks.

80. Should I get ankle socks or crew socks?

81. Nike or Under Armour?

82. White or black?

83. Oh wow, they got fancy socks too!

84. This is kind of overwhelming.

85. Maybe I'll just come back another time.

86. Ah, I'm here I might as well buy a pair.

87. And a Red Bull...

88. And those Gatorade chews...

89. And that duck call.

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