1. You’d probably be roughly 6-foot-5 with a laser rocket arm.
3. There’s a pretty decent chance you would get to host SNL.
7. You’d be rolling in endorsement deals.
8. You could sing at charity events in tuxedos with the family.
9. Cooper would convince you to wear a garbage bag to a Saints game.
Archie Manning is one of the most beloved figures in New Orleans sports history, but his days as a Saint were marred by a lackluster supporting cast and a ton of losses. His record during his 10 years in New Orleans was 35-91-3 and the Saints were referred to as the ‘Aints. Fans attended games wearing brown paper bags over their heads. So Cooper and Peyton joined in. “We were six and four years old. Some guys were there and had them on and left them in the seats. My Mom turned around and there we were, we had them on our head, too. We didn’t know what we were doing, of course.”
10. Then he’d totally give you wet willy in family photos.
12. Because Cooper’s goofy like that.
13. You could say “My brother ruined Tim Tebow’s career.”
16. You would have been immortalized on The Simpsons.
17. You’d most likely have football on your phone.
18. You could hang out with Principal Belding at the ESPY awards.
19. You’d be an expert at pranks.
20. You would tailgate like a king at Ole Miss games with football’s first family.
21. You’d be pretty unflappable under pressure.
24. And you’d look great in a fake mustache.
25. You’d be able to throw a Nerf ball a country mile.
26. You’d be an expert at trash talking.
27. You’d be related to Taryn Manning from Orange Is The New Black.
Tayn is the daughter of Archie’s cousin, so it would be a distant relation, but you could probably get some screener DVDs.
28. You’d probably be a part of adorable charitable foundations.
Eli Manning has been the host of Guiding Eyes for the Blind’s Golf Classic, the oldest and largest charity golf event in Westchester County, New York, for the past five years. The Golf Classic raises more than $500,000 annually.
29. Seriously, you could do whatever you want.
30. You could act like a tough guy with your offensive line.
31. You could chant “Cut that meat!” with Peyton every Thanksgiving.
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