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Is This The Greatest Retirement Gift Ever Given On A Wednesday In The Mountain Time Zone?

Yes... The answer is yes.

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Last night, Todd Helton was honored by the Colorado Rockies after an insanely consistent 17 years manning the first-base bag. He leads the franchise in games, at bats, runs, hits, total bases, doubles, home runs, RBIs, walks, strikeouts, singles, runs created, extra-base hits, plate appearances, times on base, sacrifice flies, intentional walks, and most times grounded into a double play. Basically, Todd Helton is the Colorado Rockies. He is also the proud owner of an immaculate goatee.


In a touching pre-game ceremony, the Rockies honored Helton and his family for his years of service in Denver. His eldest daughter, Tierney Faith, threw out the first pitch — with a perfect strike.

His wife, Christy, gave him a lovely smooch for the fans and photographers.

His brother Rod — who has equally immaculate facial hair — gave him a heartfelt bro hug.


And his old college football teammate Peyton Manning gave him a few firm slaps on the ass.

It was a great ceremony for one of the greatest athletes in the Mile High city's history, and as Mariano Rivera's farewell tour has showed us, great players get great gifts.

So the Rockies gave Helton a horse — named A Tru Bustamove — with a customized Rockies saddle, which allowed him to literally ride off into the sunset.

Enjoy that rocking chair, Mariano.