1. The NFL season is right around the corner.
3. … You still want some action. You’re getting pretty antsy.
4. You’re so over baseball.
5. You spend more time prepping for your fantasy draft than your full-time job.
6. You’ve overanalyzed coaching changes, draft picks, free agent signings.
7. You have expectations.
9. Every preseason comes with new beginnings.
11. Order a fresh pair of Zubaz pants.
12. Then camp opens.
13. You read EVERYTHING about practice.
14. Then your star player hurts his knee.
15. The troubled talent gets suspended for weed.
16. Someone gets filmed saying the WRONG thing at a country concert.
17. Now you start avoiding all social media out of superstition.
18. Because every time you read it someone else gets hurt.
19. By the time the first preseason game rolls around you’ve just about given up.
20. Then out of nowhere HOLY SHIT your team looks like a Super Bowl favorite.
21. You immediately forget why you were pessimistic.
22. Because holy shit — we can make some noise this season!
23. Then you remember your young RB has a fumbling problem.
25. You start hearing the QB can’t handle the playbook.
26. The defensive coordinator says the LBs can’t tackle.
27. Week 3 is a smidgen better.
28. Cue QB controversy.
30. You realize week 4’s game doesn’t matter. None of these games mattered.
31. Why do you even care about football? You start complaining that players these days aren’t tough.
33. But you pull yourself together. You pray to the football gods.
34. Take a deep breath.
35. And only then, after a lifetime of worthless stress and anxiety — only then does the season start.
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