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17 Ways To Stay Unemployed

From my vast knowledge of not being great at "life skills" I give you the tools you need to stay unemployed. As if you needed help.

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1. Send the wrong resume

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Apparently the Apple Store didn't care to hear about how you are super qualified to be a lifeguard ( I can hold my breath for 2 min)

2. Use their when you should have used there in the cover letter

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But really what you applying for? A position as a grammar Nazi. If so you are a racist and a bit annoying. Both aren't qualities i would want in a coworker.

3. You got some stuff on your face

"I like to think ahead for example this food...Yes the food is intentional...I am saving...Yes saving it...for later...I like to think ahead."
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"I like to think ahead for example this food...Yes the food is intentional...I am saving...Yes saving it...for later...I like to think ahead."

4. You show up late.

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Keep them waiting. Then you have the power.

5. Wearing the same outfit the last person wore

Who wore it best? No one. But especially in a business setting.
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Who wore it best? No one. But especially in a business setting.

6. Bad Breath

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Make them regret not having you for a phone interview.

7. Address the female interviewer as sir.

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If she seems upset start a discussion about gender roles. It helps if you do as little research about the subject as possible. "Hey this guy can think on his feet"

8. Start cursing way too fucking much.

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"Ah fuck yeah I know Microsoft Office." It shows confidence.

9. You cry.

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"I'm sorry before I came here I was watching What's Eating Gilbert Grape."

10. As a reference you down your mom

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"His greatest strength? Being dead weight for nine months then destroying my vagina!"

I love you mom.

11. Bring up My Little Pony

Hey you work hard. You play with Ponies hard. Like really hard.
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Hey you work hard. You play with Ponies hard. Like really hard.

12. Under special skills you put "Computer"

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"I know lots of good sites. You guys on /b/?"

13. "What is your greatest strength?"

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"The real question you should be asking yourself is do you want me as your greatest enemy?"

14. You are available to work the hours of 1 PM to 13 PM

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"My internal clock is set to snooze."

15. If asked if you have any questions respond with "YOU WANNA GO?"

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" You're just a chicken! Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep!"...also do you have dental benefits?

16. If asked to submit to a drug test say "nah"

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"Nah I'm good. I've already tested most of the drugs...I like em."

17. You come on a bit strong

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Let them know you are serious. You want to get DEEP into this company. "You guys like My Little Pony"?

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