5 Post-Election Articles You Must Read Now

If you are like me and have been crouched in fetal position with one hand firmly clutching a paper bag to suck air out of between fits of rage since about 9:00PM last Tuesday, here are some delicious, hand-raised, corn-fed, post- election truth nuggets that are projectile vomiting out of this shit storm. Come get them while they’re still free.

1. Where Data Went Wrong

Via play.google.com

Hillary Clinton was the favorite to win throughout the ENTIRE ELECTION. Seriously. On Trump's best day, he only just barely approached 46% of the electorate, according to RealClearPolitics.

Three days after the election, as the self-flagellation of pollsters and prognosticators begins, longtime Obama aide and prognosticator-in-chief David Plouffe breaks down the factors that may have (read: definitely, 100%, for sure goddamnit) led to the fever dream we now find ourselves in. Fuck you, Comey.

2. Michael Moore’s Appearance on MSNBC's Morning Joe

Barry King / Getty Images

Michael Moore is my shit-kicking spirit animal right now. He not only wrote and performed the beautifully scathing, October surprise masterpiece that is TrumpLand, he is also one of the very few who predicted a Trump win very early on. Well, him and Ann Coulter, because, irony. Fuck you, Coulter.

He went on Scarborough's show last week and spent close to 45 blissful, ad-free minutes explaining to us liberal elites the ways and worries of rural America that we just goddamn plain ignored for two decades. I know it's not an article, per se, but it is highly recommended viewing for your next turn at the mighty throne, whenever the feeling strikes. Bonus: turns out Scarborough thinks Hillary really is a wonderful person, btw. Glad she has your seal of approval, Joe.

3. To Those of Us Who Were Literally Hitting Refresh on that Canadian Immigration Site Every 3 Seconds

Via wallpaperpawn.us

Who was surprised that the Canadian government’s immigration portal crashed early on Wednesday morning? Not me, I’ve been jauntily going around between friends and family trading milk-in-a-bag jokes and preaching the miracles of A&W with my smug Hillary button firmly attached to my Urban Outfitters bag for about six months now.

Well, when the time came to face the music (more like the firing squad, TBH) on Wednesday morning, the flight instinct kicked in HARD. But as I tried to recover my ability to breathe on the miserable, crammed, poultry-shoot of a subway ride into Manhattan that morning, I read this life-affirming article by Jonathan Chait of New York magazine. Let me tell you, that man has a delicate, downright poetic way of talking one off a ledge. Stay in America, he said. Stay for freedom, fight for democracy, he said. And we should listen.

4. California’s Joint Legislature’s Public Statement Amid Trump Win

Via youtube.com

If you need any further reason to unpack your galoshes for the wet ride up to the Great White North, it should be this statement from two of California’s state legislative leaders. Along with breathing hope into a post-Trump world even Immortan Joe would be wary of, California is proving once again why the Golden State is the country’s shining beacon of progress, American values, and all-around bad-assery. That, and they just legalized recreational marijuana. A first-rate coping mechanism if I ever smoked one.

5. For Anyone Doubting the Sincerity of Trump’s Campaign Promises: Stephen Fucking Bannon

This one will really punch you in the gut, girls and boys. The main premise we are holding on to in the aftermath of the election is that Trump—clueless, thoughtless, and erratic at the best of times—does not have the “wherewithal to push any agenda” according to democratic strategist and former Obama chief strategist David Axelrod. That may well be true, but that doesn’t mean he won’t surround himself with bloodthirsty kleptocrats who would drain the last ounce of decency out of our already wobbly government complex. Exhibit A: The news this week that Trump has nominated former Breitbart chairman and alt-right enthusiast Stephen Bannon to the role of chief White House strategist. Even former Breitbart editor-at-large Ben Shapiro saw some alarming patterns here, folks.