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Parents

31 Batshit Things Real-Life Parents Have Actually Experienced

You won't believe it until you've lived it.

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Over the years we’ve asked the members of the BuzzFeed Community a lot of crazy questions about having kids, and — holy shit — their answers did not disappoint.

BuzzFeed

For example, we asked them to share their funniest "pregnancy brain" fails, and, my oh my, moms deal with a lot:

1. "I walked into the house and thought, I should check the answering machine. I then stood in the kitchen trying to remember where the answering machine was until I realized I haven't had an answering machine in over 12 years."

—Cierra Shelton, Facebook
Columbia

—Cierra Shelton, Facebook

2. "I couldn't get the microwave to work — I kept pushing the start button but it wouldn't turn on. When I started crying my husband walked over, closed the microwave door, and hit start. It worked."

—Brittany Wade Ratliff, Facebook
SBS

—Brittany Wade Ratliff, Facebook

3. "I packed my hubbie's lunch in the morning, then at lunchtime got a photo from him of his sandwich with nothing in it! Just two pieces of bread."

—Alexis Morales, Facebook
BuzzFeed

—Alexis Morales, Facebook

4. "I tried to text my cat and tell him I missed him. I started crying when Crookshanks wasn't in my contact list."

—Lynsey Van Nevel, Facebook
Concerned Cat / Via Instagram: @concernedcat

—Lynsey Van Nevel, Facebook

5. "I asked my sister how much a $50 gift card would cost to buy."

—samimimarie
E!

6. "I couldn't remember the word 'hand.' Called it an 'arm foot' for hours."

—jessicac435211b61
Flickr: alishav / Via Creative Commons

See more funny pregnancy brain fails here.

We also asked them to share their most epic parenting fail:

7. "I didn't notice that my son had been dropping coins into the back of our television (this was before flatscreens) until it burst into flames."

— Cara Patch, Facebook
NBC

— Cara Patch, Facebook

8. "I spent 45 minutes rocking my newborn baby to sleep only to crack his head on the door frame while carrying him into his bedroom."

20th Century Fox

—Ericka Gorman Scalf, Facebook

9. "I sent my first-grader to school dressed up in full pirate costume. Turns out Pirate Day wasn’t until Thursday."

—aleisakoestery

10. "When my son was 4, I was helping him brush his teeth when he started screaming that it tasted funny. I’d mixed up the toothpaste and diaper rash cream!"

11. "I tried to swat a tree frog off our door one night. Instead of jumping in the direction I swatted it, the frog jumped toward us, landing on my 2-year-old daughter's face."

—jcl2323
Peace Arch Films

jcl2323

See more funny epic parenting fails here.

We sent out a call for the most inappropriate things their kids ever did (and boy were they inappropriate):

12. "My son was in a stall with me when he screamed, 'Who's farting so loud in this bathroom? Oh my god. I have to get out of here.'"

MLB

—Cynthia Eaton, Facebook

13. "At Dairy Queen we passed a guy wearing an eyepatch. My daughter loudly declared, 'Daddy look, a pirate!'"

—Nick Klein, Facebook
Disney

—Nick Klein, Facebook

14. "My kid yelled 'mazel tov!' at the end of a Catholic Christmas mass."

—maryb438aa7912

15. "My 5-year-old nephew did the Ross 'flip off' from Friends to his swim instructor."

NBC

kellyg7

16. "I was in the car with some girlfriends when my son blurted out, 'Mommy, why is it called Sex AND the City? Shouldn’t it be Sex IN the City?"

—brookem46b9ae8b5

See more inappropriate things kids did here.

What else? Well, we asked them to share a moment as a parent that was just plain AWWWWWWWKWARD.

17. "My 4-year-old son was playing on my phone and uploaded a Snapchat of my boob hanging out (I'd just finished nursing my daughter). It had multiple views, but I never got the courage to see who looked at it."

—Megan Roberts, Facebook
NBC

—Megan Roberts, Facebook

18. "We were at a restaurant where our male waiter had a very high-pitched voice. My niece exclaimed loudly, 'He sounds like Mickey Mouse!'”

—kawaiipanda87
NBC

19. "I farted in line at Walmart, and it ended up really loud and smelly. I blamed it on my 2-year-old by saying, 'Wow, baby, you have a stinky butt today!' He replied, 'No, mama, that was YOU!' Everyone knew."

—corrine2
NBC

20. "My 6-year-old son likes to tell people his favorite store is the 'beer store' (they have lollipops)."

—daniellew4160c60a0
Gramercy Pictures

21. "My almost 3-year-old daughter was trick-or-treating. When she received her candy she continued to stand there, then looked up at the man and informed him, 'I'm peeing.'"

—Niki Ballard Fleischman, Facebook
Bravo

—Niki Ballard Fleischman, Facebook

See more awkward parenting moments here.

We asked them to share the words their kids hilariously mispronounced:

22. "My 4-year-old daughter calls the Olympics the 'Uh-limp-dicks.' I don’t correct her because I am a horrible person."

23. "My daughter said 'armadillo pee' instead of 'L-M-N-O-P' when she sang 'The Alphabet Song.'"

—scotth4a6d12338
Flickr: 116462146@N08 / Via Creative Commons

24. "My daughter once said 'arts and craps' instead of arts and crafts in front of her upcoming kindergarten teacher."

—jacquelinek435e3bb09

25. "My youngest calls mac 'n' cheese 'monkey cheese.'"

26. "My 4-year-old liked to sing Bruno Mars' 'Uptown fuck you up.'”

—donaldo48f141799
RCA Records

See more hilarious things kids mispronounced here.

And finally, we asked them to share the funniest real-life thing their kids are afraid of:

27. "My 3-year-old is terrified of mannequins. When he sees one in a store he repeats over and over, 'It's not real. I'm not scared.'"

— bt242
Flickr: quinet / Via Creative Commons

bt242

28. "My daughter is afraid of sandwiches. She will eat a piece of bread, but put two pieces together with anything in between and she starts screaming and backing away like it's a spider."

— heathercremeens625
Florida Orange Juice / Via youtube.com

29. "My 3-year-old is scared of Adam Sandler. Smh."

—marcosmommy
"Universal

30. "My 4-year-old is terrified of 'the orange man who watches me at night.' The ''orange man' is a streetlight he can see out his window. We have to keep his curtains closed."

—Lisam81
en.wikipedia.org / Via Creative Commons

Lisam81

31. "When my daughter was 3 years old she would wake up screaming and tell me it was because she was afraid of sprinkles."

—rhondav4a92ddb4c
en.wikipedia.org / Via Creative Commons

See more funny things kids are afraid of here.

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Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.

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