1.
Like, what happens if I slip and have a glass of wine or two during this 9-month sobriety challenge? Obstetrician: First of all, it's called "pregnancy."
2.
White parents: omg my kid was traumatized by Momo on YT Mexican kids:
3.
Once you can send your kids to play in the other room without worrying about them dying, the second part of your life begins.
4.
My toddler baby is watching a storm out the front window. She says, “Quiet...quiet. Kaboom comin’.” She whispers: “I did it.”
5.
I’m tired of hearing new moms always say their baby is “such a good baby.” Just once, I wanna hear a mom be like, “Yeah, no, my baby’s a real dick.”
6.
Me telling my toddler to stop: My toddler:
7.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
8.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
9.
the problem: my daughter won’t stop climbing on the fireplace. observation: my daughter hates Elmo. solution: I made a toddler scarecrow.
10.
Kids are basically reverse Roombas
11.
I drove by my son’s school and was on my way to work and realized I never dropped his ass off and he AINT SAY SHIT
12.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits. Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go! So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!” We all winked at each other and got in our cars. Teamwork.
13.
Me: if a stranger came up to you & said “I’m your moms friend, she told me to pick you up” what would do do? My kid: i would say “you’re lying my mom has no friends” Me: *stares at her shocked* My kid: ..... Me:
14.
Hi, i'm a mom. You might know me from some of my Greatest Hits like "I thought your game was cancelled", "please don't fart on your sister", "why are there dirty socks in the refrigerator" and "I've clearly failed as a mother, just wait until your father gets home"
15.
I sent my kids to the store to get some snacks for themselves. My daughter got a birthday cake. For a snack.
16.
Just heard the mom of a newborn tell her crying baby “it’s ok, we’re figuring it out... we’re just on day 8” and honestly I’m on day 3,654 and I’m still figuring it out.
17.
If you don’t kick your kid’s toy across the room after your trip on it, are you even a parent?
18.
doctors office: hand washing is important. also doctors office: feel free to let your kid lick this toy for 40 minutes while you wait
19.
One night before bed my kid asked me to sing a new song, but the only one I could think of at the time was the fresh prince of bel air theme. This is how millennial lullabies are born.
20.
My... My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ "patients" who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
21.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
22.
My son told me he was listening to music from “the late 1900s,” and it took me a minute to realize he meant music from when I was in high school & college, and not something coming from a player piano in an Old West saloon.
23.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store...any suggestions? 9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle] 7yo: I don’t care Husband: Just get whatever [3 hrs later] 9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice. 7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles? Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
24.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily. My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
25.
My toddler just got a hold of a tub of butter, rubbed it all over her legs, and said “lotion you can eat” and I feel like she may be onto something.
26.
My 10 yr old has never met a stranger. Today at a hotel pool I couldn’t find him and he was with an entirely different family making dinner plans.
27.
[buying shoes for our kids] her: which do you like better me: idk probably our daughter
28.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
29.
3-year-old: I'm 3. I get 3 cupcakes. Wife: That's not how it works. Me: *eats 34 cupcakes*