1.
Daughter: You're invading my personal space Mom: You came out of my personal space
2.
Steps babies take to learn about the world: 1) look 2) touch 3) smell 4) taste 5) destroy
3.
I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids.
4.
[At dinner] Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat? Me: Probably like 90% D: So it's 10% balls? Me: *spits out food*
5.
Running away after dropping the kids at grandma's house like
6.
When you have kids, "sleeping in" is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
7.
Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
8.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would "have a piece of cheese and calm down" So, yeah, she's mine.
9.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can't unfollow.
10.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, "Mommy has a drinking problem".
11.
VOICEMAIL: I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can't try again until next year
12.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
13.
Do you have to go to the bathroom? No You sure? Yes How about now? No Now? No [movie begins] Daddy? FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
14.
3YO: MOMMY HELP HELP! ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door* 3YO: I want a snack.
15.
My daughter took a three minute nap today which apparently means she never needs to sleep again.
16.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid's hand right up to their first drug deal.
17.
Me: [in bathroom] 7yo: [knocks] MOMMY? Me: Yeah pal 7: IT'S ME Me: I know 7: YOUR SON Me: Knew that too
18.
"No man in his own home should have to choose between Frozen or Barbie band-aids" I yell to no one in particular.
19.
Parenting is fun if you're into things like cooking for people who aren't hungry.
20.
7: I'm beating you! Me: Ok. 7: I'm way ahead! Me: I see that. 7: I'm gonna win! Me:.... My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
21.
New plan. Instead of exercising & eating better, I'm just going to tell everybody I'm 4 months pregnant. For the rest of my life.