1. Get totally freaked out by the thought of giving birth.
“Is it true you might poop on the table? IT IS?! ARGHHHHH!”
2. Look like they might get sick when a baby spits up.
“OMG! It’s like a tiny version of The Exorcist!”
5. Feel really bad when they swear in front of your kid.
“I’m so sorry! Shit!” (gasps, covers mouth) “I did it again!”
7. Say that spending time around kids is “good birth control,” then catch themselves and say, “Oh, but not your kids!”
“No, your kids are, uh, your kids are… great.”
10. Get really mad when you say how busy you are.
“Hey! I’m really busy too you know!” Then, two minutes later: “I’m getting a pedicure tomorrow if you want to join me!”
12. Ask you if you’ve ever wished you didn’t have kids.
“Like, have you ever though that you might’ve made a terrible mistake?”
13. Call your kid “it.”
“I think it wants you.”
14. Act over the top amazed when your kid starts to talk.
“I can’t believe it’s actually, like, conversing with you.”
15. Not understand what is and isn’t appropriate for a kid.
Them: “Does she like Iggy Azalea?”
You: “She’s four, so ‘no.’”
16. Complain about being invited to your kid’s parties.
“Please tell me there will at least be booze there. There’s no booze?! Kill me now!”
17. Complain about NOT being invited to your kid’s parties.
“So what? I don’t count anymore because I don’t have kids?”
18. Make bold proclamations about what their future kids will be like.
“My kid is going to be the coolest kid ever! He’s gonna know all the dance moves and have a little pompadour!”