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    29 Funny Tweets About Marriage After The Newness Of It All Wears Off

    "I've been married for about 45 pounds."


    *watching husband sleep* Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-" *husband snores* Me: "I can't live like this."


    Husband: *crying* Please don’t do this to our family. I beg you. Me: *adding another diy home improvement to my Pinterest board*


    Me: I'm mad at myself, and I don't know why. Wife: Would you like some reasons?


    Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.


    Before you marry someone: 1. Listen to them eat a bowl of cereal. 2. Ask them which side of the bed they sleep on. 3. Watch them brush their teeth. 4. Make sure you are temperature compatible. 5. Survive one cold and flu season at minimum.


    Marriage is reminding one about a conversation you know you had while the other swears it never happened.


    I kind of wish my spouse would get a side piece but only for talking endlessly about our home security system.


    Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now. Wife: But I only... Me: EXACTLY the amount


    Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.


    Marriage is saying you're not mad but he says you sound like you're mad & by the end of it all you end up being mad.


    You may be married but you aren’t married married until you are in a home furnishings store together and you brought your own tape measure.


    WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn't you? ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?


    Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies.


    I've been married for about 45 lbs.


    Text from wife: I'm so sorry, I'm gonna be about half an hour late Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this


    90% of being married is just shouting "what" from other rooms


    Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.


    MARRIED SEXT Her: Is it in? Him: No not yet Her: Put it In now! Him: Ok it's in... Her: Ok set the timer. No one likes burnt lasagna!


    My husband can sleep through anything except me shining a tiny light briefly on the book I'm reading in bed.


    Wife - *talking about literally anyone* Me - *not looking up* who’s that? ~ marriage


    me: I'm a man. I do what I want, when I- *checks phone to make sure I didn't accidentally call my wife and she can't hear me* when I want


    Best part of being married is guilt-free double dipping.


    Just put on fancy socks and a night shirt with no food stains so I can try to seduce my husband later.


    My husband doesn't seem to realize I'm mad at him which is ridiculous because I just spent the last 20 min convincing him I'm not mad at him


    Husband and I have great balance in our marriage: he removes unwanted insects from the house and I eat all the chocolate


    Marriage is essentially just having somebody who you can have regular conversations with while one or both of you are stark naked.


    If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.


    Coffee is like marriage. First it's really hot. Then it's just right. Then it helps you get off your ass and do things.


    wife: Do you love the dog more than- me: Yes