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    100 Dad Jokes You're Going To Hate Laughing At So Hard

    What did the pirate say when he turned 80? "Aye matey!"

    1. A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?” “Pop,” goes the weasel.

    Columbia

    2. I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

    Columbia

    3. You know what happens after you eat WAY too much alphabet soup? You end up having a massive vowel movement.

    4. What's the color of the wind? Blew.

    BBC

    5. Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were Prime-mates.

    Dreamworks

    6. People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.

    MLB

    7. Did you hear about the criminal's kid who wouldn't take a nap? He was resisting a rest.

    Viceland

    8. The self-deprecation society is taking new members. I've already put myself down.

    9. Did you hear what the wife said when she bought her husband a refrigerator as a birthday gift? "I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!"

    Paramount

    10. You know what the mathematicians said to the person who invented the number 0? "Thanks for nothing!"

    11. Today, my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. Eleven years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

    Fox Searchlight

    12. I bought the newlyweds an elephant for their room. They said, “Thank you.” I said. “Don’t mention it.”

    13. A limbo champion walks into a bar. He loses.

    BBC

    14. My cousin got fired from his job working for Pepsi. Yeah, seems he tested positive for Coke.

    NBC

    15. Did you hear about the woman who got drunk and slapped The Rock's butt? She didn't realize it at the time, but she'd hit rock bottom.

    ABC

    16. Did you hear that they won't be making yard sticks any longer?

    Orchard Films

    17. I don't know why anyone would call vegans annoying. I, for one, have never had any beef with them.

    18. What did the 18th century Frenchman say an hour before he was due to start his new job as a guillotine operator? "I'll beheading there shortly!"

    19. What did the pirate say when he turned 80? "Aye matey!"

    E!

    20. You want to go down to the bar to hear that band called Duvet? They're a cover band.

    Paramount

    21. What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing. It just waved.

    ABC

    22. My wife asked me if was listening to her. What a weird way to start a conversation!

    23. Did you know the team at Pixar was once so creatively blocked they got into a fight? Yeah, it's true — but then they made Up.

    24. I got a rejection in the mail from the origami school today. I'm not sure what to make of it.

    Columbia

    25. Who has two butts and kills people? An assassin.

    ABC

    26. What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

    NBC

    27. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

    NBC

    28. You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European.

    29. Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

    30. Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind... it's tearable.

    31. I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!

    NBC

    32. If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?

    Paramount

    33. Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!

    CBS / Via giphy.com

    34. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here."

    Comedy Central

    35. What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1

    PBS

    36. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? 
Because he was a little horse!

    TBS

    37. CASHIER: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" DAD: "No, just leave it in the carton!’”

    NBC

    38. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

    Universal

    39. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

    New Line Cinema

    40. Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!

    NBC

    41. What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.

    NBC

    42. KID: "Hey, I was thinking…
" DAD: "I thought I smelled something burning.”

    43. How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

    NBC

    44. A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

    CBS

    45. When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!

    ABC

    46. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

    ABC

    47. FAST FOOD WORKER: "Any condiments?" DAD: "Compliments? You look very nice today!”

    MGM

    48. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.

    Paramount

    49. I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

    Warner Bros.

    50. A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

    PBS

    51. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

    ABC

    52. A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."

    Paramount

    53. When you ask a dad if he's alright: "No, I’m half left.”

    HBO

    54. I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

    Thames Television

    55. GROCERY STORE CHECKER: "Paper or plastic?" DAD: "Either, I’m bisacktual.”

    ESPN

    56. How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it.”

    NBC

    57. Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

    NBC

    58. 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

    New Line Cinema

    59. MOM: "How do I look?" DAD: "With your eyes."

    CNN

    60. What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.

    ESPN

    61. What did the horse say after it tripped? "Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”

    NBC

    62. Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

    Columbia

    63. What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff.

    Comedy Central

    64. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!

    NBC

    65. Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!

    Paramount

    66. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef.

    Howard Stern/Sirius

    67. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.

    TBS

    68. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.

    Comedy Central

    69. I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.

    USA

    70. When an ambulance zips past with its siren blaring: "They won’t sell much ice cream driving that fast.”

    ABC

    71. When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!

    72. What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

    HBO

    73. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

    Warner Bros.

    74. Why couldn't the bike standup by itself? It was two tired.

    NBC

    75. What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.

    Laugh Factory / Via giphy.com

    76. Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.

    77. WAITRESS: "Soup or salad?" DAD: "I don’t want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.”

    Fox

    78. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    Paramount

    79. Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal.

    BBC

    80. NURSE: "Blood type?" DAD: "Red."

    Fox

    81. SERVER: "Sorry about your wait." DAD: "Are you saying I’m fat?”

    NBC

    82. KID: "Dad, make me a sandwich!" DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”

    Flickr: gageskidmore / Via Creative Commons

    83. What do you call a fish with two knees? A “two-knee” fish.

    FX

    84. You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.

    BBC

    85. I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.

    Columbia

    86. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

    87. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea!

    NBC

    88. Can February March? No, but April May!

    89. What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone.

    Disney

    90. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.

    20th Century Fox

    91. When you ask a dad if they got a haircut: "No, I got them all cut!"

    92. What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!”

    NBC

    93. What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeño your face.

    HBO

    94. Why wasn't the woman happy with the velcro she bought? It was a total ripoff.

    CBS

    95. What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

    CBC

    96. What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

    Columbia

    97. Where did the college-aged vampire like to shop? Forever 21.

    Hulu

    98. You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.

    CBS

    99. DAD, TO A SINGER: "Don’t forget a bucket." SINGER: "Why?" 
DAD: "To carry your tune."

    Comedy Central

    100. Why did the crab never share? Because he's shellfish.

    Laugh Factory

    For more great jokes checkout these posts:

    And if you want more funny dads (specifically The Try Guys' IRL dads), watch this:

    View this video on YouTube

    youtube.com

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