If you have kids, you know that the way we approach parenting with kid #1 is VERY different from how we approach it with kid #2...and usually hilariously so:
Me to first kid: GET OFF THE FLOOR RIGHT NOW Me with second kid: look how calm and still he’s being #parenting
Relate to that one? Well, here are 17 more "first kid, second kid" tweets that will having you nodding along:
1. Screen time:
me after my first kid: screen time is terrible, I will raise you to appreciate wooden blocks and imagination me after the second kid: the wiggles are your parents now
2. Answering kid questions:
[First kid] Kid: Mom, why are they called dandelions? Me: That’s a great question! *Googles word etymology, gives in-depth explanation, discusses other flower names* [Second kid] Kid: Mom, why are they called dandelions? Me: I have no idea, get in the car.
3. Breastfeeding:
Breastfeeding first kid: Always writes down which boob I started on + what time Breastfeeding second kid: feels boobs and tries to guess which is fuller- has no idea how often baby eats
4. Crawling:
First kid crawls, twenty minutes of joyful pride tears. Second kid crawls, I guess I should put down this burger and film it or whatever.
5. Walking:
First kid: Oh my gosh, he’s walking! Second kid: Oh dear god, he’s walking. (*pushes child down to prevent further walking*)
6. Milestones:
First kid: a baby book with a detailed account of milestones and memories. Filling out paperwork about when the second kid hit his milestones: “BITCH HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER WHEN HE ROLLED OVER THE FIRST TIME? I AM JUST TRYING TO KEEP THESE THINGS ALIVE HERE.”
7. Breakfast:
[breakfast] First kid: French toast, organic fruit Second kid: Cereal Third kid: Ketchup
8. Birthday parties:
First kid: Of course I'll stay with you at the birthday party. I don't know the parents very well yet and I'd like to get to know them. Second kid: I'm not even gonna park at Chuck E Cheese so get ready to jump out as we roll past. I'll pick you up in a few hours, probably.
9. School photos:
First kid: Buys $300 school picture package. Second kid: Buys one 8x10 for grandma. Third kid: Sneaks into school, takes phone picture with Fall background setup.
10. Baby rattles:
*First kid* Me: "Before he chews on this, is this rattle made of organic and free range trees that are grown on lead free plains and watered by pasture raised clouds?" *Second kid* Me: *gives full prescription bottle for him to use as a rattle*
11. Food:
[First kid] *Drops food* Oooh no honey that's garbage now. Yucky! [Second kid] *Chewing food* Wife: Whats she eating? Me: I dunno.
12. Kindergarten registration:
First kid kindergarten registration: at the door opening on day one, full packet of info, extra copies & photos, some sort of smartness certificate. Second kid kindergarten registration: past the deadline “would you accept this Instagram birthday photo collage as proof of age?”
13. Sleeping babies:
First kid: Shhh, be quiet or you'll wake the baby. Second kid: *using a leaf blower to dust the furniture*
14. Saving for college:
First kid: opens 529 account. Second kid: counts quarters at corner store for two mega millions lottery tickets.
15. Updates from labor and delivery:
My best friend having her first kid, texted me during her entire labour until she had surgery. I got a minute by minute play. Gives birth to her second kid, the texts reads « the kid is here. » LMAO I’m dying
16. Cleaning up:
[after the first kid] *steps on toy* Oops! That's not where you go! *Goes to shelf, places toy in a bin specific for that toy* [after the second kid] *steps on toy* Oops! That's not where you go! *kicks toy to nearest toy pile*
17. And lastly, when your kid swallows a nickel:
@ebruenig When your first kid swallows a nickel you go to the ER, when your second kid does it you take it out if their allowance. - wise uncle when we first became parents