Being a dad in 2020 was...a LOT.
The good news is that a bunch of dads used this unusual situation as inspiration to bring the funny. So, with no further ado, here are the 50 funniest dad tweets of 2020:
1.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!? 3 year old: I’m thirsty
2.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
3.
Kids really overestimate how much parents want to guess things.
4.
My 8 year old daughter just yelled “Oh no the toilet is smoking!!” My wife and I ran to the bathroom to find this. It’s just day 4 of home school.
5.
Check on your friends with toddlers. The toddlers are winning. Send help.
6.
80% of parenting is replying to your kids “wow, that’s cool” without even looking.
7.
Great news I got a 100 on my son's geometry test.
8.
My son lost his tooth yesterday and I go to his room last night to grab the tooth in exchange for some $$$... And this is the message he wrote... 😒😒😒 with full on instructions 🤦🏾♂️🙄🤣
9.
First day of school and my kid already ripped a hole in the knee of his new biohazard suit.
10.
My 2 year old and 4 year old have been communicating via walkie talkie for twenty minutes. They're in the same room. The walkie talkies have no batteries. Over.
11.
Lost my temper with my daughter because she wouldn't get dressed, and told her she couldn't come downstairs until she'd changed out of her pyjamas. She's just changed into ANOTHER PAIR OF PYJAMAS.
12.
me: *turns to face son in the back seat* you have until sunday to get your shit together boy
13.
I told my son we couldn’t afford something and he asked why I didn’t have more money, and I wanted to be like, “You, dude. You are entirely the reason I don’t have more money.”
14.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
15.
My youngest hacked our Netflix parental code. She put light grease on the remote and got me to input the code when she wasn’t looking. Then she noted the numbers I’d pressed and went through the combinations later. I’m both frightened and impressed.
16.
How midwestern are we? Our toddler, who was alone in the hallway, bumped into the wall and said “ope”
17.
So evidently our 13 year old thought "primadonna" meant anyone born before Madonna (i.e. pre-Madonna). Please send oxygen. We cannot stop laughing. 😂😂😂
18.
My son has a Thomas the Train bed and now I’ll never sleep again
19.
Good news: My son cleaned his room Bad news: He found his harmonica
20.
My son asked me what does WiFi stand for & I told him it's named after its inventor William Filliam
21.
Can anyone recommend a good wine that pairs well with a teenager's shitty attitude?
22.
Parenting is telling one kid to leave the other one alone until you die.
23.
My teenager thinks we live in a hotel now!
24.
love shack just came on and my son asked “is that john mulaney?” i’m crying
25.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
26.
My daughter had a Zoom class yesterday. The teacher's internet went out, so one of the kids was made the default host. He muted everyone, pretended to teach the class, and then just said "fart" over and over until the teacher was able to join back. It was amazing.
27.
My kid asked if that lady is tiny.
28.
If my son wants apple juice, I give him half water and half apple juice but the juice I buy is already watered down. The first time this kid has a glass of full sugar apple juice he’s gonna fucking powerbomb me through our coffee table.
29.
5-year-old: Do I have to fall in love someday? Me: No. 5: Good. I have stuff to do.
30.
my daughter is making a convincing argument that egg should be spelled “eg” and that the second “g” should only be used to describe really big eggs
31.
My son asked me "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
32.
My toddler shouted “I NEED A BREAK FROM ALL OF YOU” and then locked himself in his bedroom. When we asked what happened he replied “nothing I’m just being daddy”
33.
I’m not saying our healthy lifestyle has deteriorated under quarantine, but I just asked our 5yo what his favorite fruit is and he answered “sausage.”
34.
Why use a coloring book when this ENTIRE house can be my canvas?! ~Toddlers
35.
Son: I had some scary thoughts. Me, rolling up sleeves to have a big father-son talk about All Of This: Okay. What kind of scary thoughts? Son: Vacuum cleaners. Broccoli. Me: ... Son: Vacuum cleaners are LOUD.
36.
10: You’ve been swearing a lot more during quarantine. Me: Actually it’s the same amount as always. You’re just around me more.
37.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who loses the chance to push a button of any kind.
38.
My kid said there's a funny looking movie on Netflix so I asked him what movie and he said he doesn't want to say because he doesn't know if it's a bad word so I said just say it, and he says "Norbit"
39.
being a parent is hearing your kids in their rooms and suddenly realizing that your own parents heard you talking all that shit in your room and just pretended like they didn’t
40.
7-year-old: I'm done with homework. Me: You did it? 7: That's not what I said.
41.
Son, there was a time when you couldn't get on the internet until your mom was off the phone, so don't complain to me about Netflix buffering a little.
42.
Before I became a father, I dreamed of one day watching STAR WARS with my kids, and now that that dream has come true, I want them to fucking stop talking during it.
43.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, "Get to the point!"
44.
Buy your toddler clothes with lots of snaps and buttons if you’ve ever thought it would be cool to do a puzzle that tries to kick you and run away while you solve it
45.
My 5-year old is rebelling against zoom school by mouthing words instead of speaking so as to make her teacher think there’s something wrong with the unmuting function
46.
Son: daddy there’s a spider in my room Me: he’s fine, he’s just minding his own business Son: what business does a spider have Me, loud enough so everyone in the house can hear: web design
47.
*doorbell rings* 11: daddy, your weed guy is here! Me: what?!? 11: this guy said he’s here to cut the weeds
48.
Glad I got a college degree to not know the right to answer any question my 4yo asks me.
49.
A consequence of having kids is always having rotten bananas too. There is no way to buy the right amount of bananas for kids.
50.
My son got this balloon on Valentine's Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, "be patient, it will come down" but he didn't believe me. "If it comes down I get an iPad!" he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.