1. The morning after you had to get up one too many times in the night.
Your partner: So I just went to get the baby out of his crib and he's not wearing a diaper.
You: What?
Your partner: He's got on his onesie, but he's all bare butt underneath.
You: Oh, man. I was so tired last night I must've taken off his wet diaper and then just put his onesie back on.
Your partner: The good news is he didn't go to the bathroom.
You: Wow! Lucky!
Your partner: Scratch that. He's peeing now.
You: I'll get the paper towels.
2. When you just can’t change another diaper.
Older kid: You smell that?
You: Nope. I definitely don't.
Older kid: I think the baby went poo.
You: No, he's fine.
Older kid: The house smells like a gas station toilet. You don't smell that?
You: It's just the dog farting.
Older kid: We don't have a dog.
You: I meant the neighbor's dog.
Older kid: They don't have a dog either.
You: Fine. I'll change the diaper, okay?
3. When the worst thing in the world happens first thing in the morning.
Your partner: What's wrong?
You: Whaaaa! Whaaaa!!!
Your partner: Why are you crying?
You: Whhhhhyyyyyyy! Nooooooo!!! Why!!
Your partner: You're scaring me. What's wrong?
You: What did I — sniffle — ever do — snort — to deserve this?
Your partner: Tell me what's wrong!
You: WE'RE OUT OF COFFEE!
4. When your kid wants you to play with them.
Your kid: Play with me! Play with me! Play with me!
You: Later.
Your kid: You said later ten minutes ago! It's later now!
You: Not the later I was imagining.
Your kid: Now! PLEASE!
You: Ugh, fine. What do you want to play?
Your kid: Army! Outside!
You: Outside? No. How about we just play "Doctor?"
Your kid: Okay!
You, laying down on the couch: I'll be the patient.
Your kid: Okay, patient, what seems to be the problem?
You: Uh, oh.
Your kid: What's wrong?!
You: You're losing me, doc.
Your kid: No! Stay with me!
You: Zzzzzzz.
5. When you can’t move off the couch to save your life.
Your partner, entering the room: Hey, where's the kid?
You: She went to play in her room.
Your partner: How long ago?
You: Half an hour.
Your partner: And you're still watching Caillou?
You: I know. It's awful.
Your partner: Why don't you change it?
You, pointing: The controller is all the way over there.
Your partner: That's like three feet away.
You: Oh, look. Caillou found his lost ball. Good for him.
6. When the kids are finally asleep.
You: Hello, couch, you sexy, sexy beast.
Your partner: You hear that? The dryer beeped. I think it's done.
You: ...
Your partner: You going to get it?
You: At some point in the future, yes.
Your partner: If it's not folded now it'll get all wrinkled.
You: We can always turn the dryer on again later and heat it back up.
Your partner: That's really wasteful of energy.
You, turning on Netflix: You're always welcome to fold everything yourself, champ.
Your partner: You know what? Your "turning the dryer back on later" plan is probably okay.
You: Damn right it is.
7. When it’s dinner time.
Your kids: What's for dinner?
You: Dinner?
Kids: Yes! We're starving!
You: You're in luck then. Because we're having something very special for dinner.
Kids: Is it your world-famous cheeseburger enchilada?
You: Oh, God, no. That recipe has like 27 steps.
Your kids: Then what is it?!
You: Cereal for dinner! Yay!
8. When your kid questions your life.
Your kid: Why are you so tired all of the time?
You: Because I have to run after you kids all day long, and then on top of that take care of a whole bunch of stuff you guys have no idea about.
Your kid: I'm never tired.
You: Yeah, well, you sleep like twelve hours a day.
Your kid: I hate going to bed. I can't wait until I'm a grown up and can go to bed when I want.
You: Don't you say that. Don't you ever say that. Stay here. Stay here as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it!
Your kid: Why don't you just take naps?
You: And who exactly is supposed to watch you guys when I'm napping?
Your kid: We could watch ourselves.
You: That's how you broke grandpa's television, remember?
Your kid: Oh, yeah. You probably should just have more coffee.
9. When you just want to get home so, so bad.
You: When we get home it's straight to bed, got it?
Your kid: Wait! We need milk! And paper towels!
You: Shit.
Your kid: What did you say?
You: Nothing. We'll stop at the store tomorrow.
Your kid: But I need milk for my morning cereal!
You: Going to the store means getting you and the baby out of the car, into the cart, then back into the car, and no. Just no.
Your kid: But —
You: Relax. I have an idea.
You pull into a McDonalds.
Voice over speaker: Welcome to McDonalds. Can I help you?
You: Yes, can I get like five of those little cartons of milk you got?
Your kid: Seriously?
You: Seriously.
Voice over speaker: Anything else?
You: You wouldn't happen to have any paper towels, would you?