OK, here we go...
1. I left the house without any diapers and didn’t realize it until we were seated at a restaurant and the wretch-inducing stench made it clear the baby really, REALLY needed one.
2. I shook the baby bottle — to mix the formula — but the nipple wasn’t on tight enough and it flew off splashing the contents all over me, my kid, and the couch.
3. Another time I was trying to feed the baby and couldn’t figure out why she was crying and not drinking. Took me a good five minutes to figure out I’d forgotten to take the stopper out. (Face palm.)
4. I changed a diaper in the middle of the night, zipped the baby’s onesie back up, then put a diaper on TOP of the onesie. Yeah.
5. I poked my sleeping baby to make sure she was still breathing — and woke her up. She didn't go back to sleep for an hour. This was at 4 a.m.
6. I made the ill-advised decision to let my two-year-old go up into the play structure at a McDonald’s Play Place. She got confused at the top and started crying, unsure how to get out. I had to climb all the way up there (I’m 6’3, 220 lbs) and get her.
7. I broke our rule of not letting our kids have a cup of juice on the couch. This lead to two months of them whining, “But you let us have a cup on the couch yesterday/last week/last month!”
8. I had a brain fail at the pediatrician’s office and couldn’t remember my son’s birthdate when they asked me. #Awkward
9. I once sent my daughter to school with yogurt and a fruit cup for lunch but no spoon.
10. Another time I stacked all of her lunch items on the counter (before putting them into her lunch bag), then got distracted and sent her to school with just an empty lunch bag. I only realized what I did when I came home and saw her lunch stuff still sitting on the counter. Doh!
11. I yelled “God damn it!” when something went wrong around the house, so my toddler-aged son started yelling it in front of his grandparents when he dropped his toys.
12. I accidentally put my son’s shoes on the “wrong feet” and made him walk around like that all day. I might have even told him “You’re fine!” when he complained his feet hurt.
13. Another time I put two DIFFERENT shoes on my daughter’s feet and didn’t notice until we arrived at a function where we’d be taking family photos.
14. I served my kids heaping plates of spaghetti and meatballs — without napkins. It went about as well as you’d imagine. (My wife was really pleased.)
15. Then there was the time I put diaper cream — instead of, you know, toothpaste — on my daughter’s toothbrush.
16. When putting my daughter to bed, I told her I’d wait until she fell asleep before leaving. I ended up stuck like a hostage in her room for, like, 45 minutes. This may have happened on, uh, other nights too.
17. I enthralled my kids with some not quite age-appropriate ghost stories... then had to deal with their epic, crying meltdowns at bedtime. Oops.
18. Another time I told my son about werewolves, and — for dramatic effect —played up the fact they come out during a full-moon. A week later I’d forgotten all about this, but my kid didn’t and lost his shit upon noticing it was a full moon.
19. Also — getting all this off my chest — I may have also taught my daughter the “One, two/ Freddy’s Coming For You” chant from Nightmare On Elm Street. Now she does it for relatives and random people we meet.
20. I let my kids stay up way past their bedtime because I was too tired to do the whole bedtime routine — and the next day they were so, so pleasant! #GoodIdeaMike!
21. I ate my son’s leftover restaurant grilled cheese because it was a day later and I thought he’d forgotten about it, but then the next day he was like, “Where’s my grilled cheese! Whaaa! I was saving it!” Sigh.
22. I breathlessly told my kids about plans to meet up with a family friend and their kids at a water park that weekend, and got them super excited — only to have the plans fall through, seriously disappointing my kids.
23. I let my toddler-aged daughter play on my phone, and she ended up accidentally tweeting from my account a bunch of really bad video game scores.
24. I also let my 4-year-old son use my phone, and he promptly dropped it in the toilet. (It still works, though! Thank you, bag of rice!)
25. I left the door open to the playroom and our dog got in and chewed up a bunch of my kids’ favorite toys.
26. I brought home some swag I got sent at work — but only enough for one kid. That went over really well. Just swell.
27. I said, “You got it!” when I wasn’t listening to what my daughter was saying, then found out I’d agreed to take her to McDonald’s for every meal that weekend. When I later told her it wasn't happening, she said, “But you said, ‘Yes!’” (and she wasn’t wrong.)
28. I gave in and picked up my 4-year-old within 10 minutes of arriving at Disneyland. This lead to me having to listen to him whine for me to carry him the next 10 hours at the park. Yay!
29. At a kid’s dance party, I, uh, accidentally played the uncensored version of “Bodak Yellow."
30. I didn’t have money for the Tooth Fairy, so I gave my daughter 10 bucks. She now asks why she only gets $1 for every other tooth, and whether she’s doing something wrong.
31. I let my kids make slime unsupervised.
32. I fell asleep and forgot to move the dirty clothes — with my kid’s jeans in there — into the dryer. So the next morning we had “Wear Sweatpants to School Day!” She didn’t find it as fun as I hoped.
33. Another time I washed my kid’s clothes without checking the pockets — and there was a marker in there. Everything came out of the dryer spotted.
34. My son asked what happens if you never drink anything, so I told him, “If you don’t drink water you’ll die.” Now he tells everyone, “Can I have a glass of water so I don’t die?”
35. I left an unfinished soda on the counter and my son took a few huge gulps out of it before I could grab it away. This was ten minutes before bedtime. He was up for hours.
36. Speaking of soda, there was the time I knocked a glass of it onto my daughter’s homework, so I had to send her to school with a note explaining why her homework was all crinkly and dried out.
37. Lastly, I freaked out at the mall thinking I’d lost my kid, and frantically screaming her name until I realized she was standing right behind me, mortified.