34.Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree? They had a long conversation about bark.
35."I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'"
36.Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up. Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.
101.A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "We don't serve string here." So the string goes outside, twists himself up a bit, kind of roughs up his ends and walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "Aren't you that little piece of string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string says, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."
102.What do clouds wear? Thunderwear.
103.Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It's two tired.
104.A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
105.A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper said, "Why would you name a drink Charlie?"
106.Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
121.My boyfriend and I were getting ready for our school gala when my boyfriend tried to sit down. My dad yelled, "Don’t sit down! You might cut yourself!” My boyfriend said, "What?" My dad then said, "Cause you’re looking sharp!”
122.My mom dropped a pea on the table and my dad said, “You peed on the table.”
172.George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie. Clooney said, "I'll direct." Dicaprio said, "I'll produce." And McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
212.What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
213.Who's bigger? Mrs. Bigger, Mr. Bigger, or their baby? Their baby — because he's a little Bigger.
214.Parent to her friend: "I'm exhausted. I was up with the baby until 4 a.m." Friend: "It's probably not good to keep a baby up that late."
215.What do you call a new baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.
216.Grocery store checker: "Paper or plastic?" Dad: "Either, I'm bisacktual."
217.Why can't a parent change a light bulb? Because they don't make diapers small enough.
218.There was a dad who tried to keep his wife happy through labor by telling jokes, but she didn't laugh once. Know why? It was the delivery.
219.What did the new parent say upon seeing "16-28 pounds" on the side of the diaper box? "That's one huge bowel movement."
220.How can you tell if a snake is a baby? It has a rattle.
221.We just bought our new dream house, and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww, sweetie...stairs don't talk!"
222.Did you hear what the couple who met while working at an instruction book company named their kid? Manuel.
223.How did the baby know she was ready to be born? She was running out of womb.
224.I can cut a piece of wood in half by just looking at it. I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.