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222 Dad Jokes That Are So Bad They're Actually Good

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom? Because the "p" is silent.

We recently asked the members of BuzzFeed Community to share their favorite dad joke with us. We added in more of our favorites from Reddit and Twitter, too — and the results were groan-tastic.

By the end of this post you'll be wearing socks with sandals and getting ready to fire up the grill. Let's get to it!

1. What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

2. I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out customers don't appreciate it when you go the extra mile.

u/anonymous

3. 5/4 of people admit that they're bad with fractions.

ryliea

4. Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.

u/Ramzee24

5. I lost 25% of my roof last night...oof.

apgp123

6. If a child doesn't want to take a nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Achiles_Heals

7. I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, "You."

8. If Whole Foods sells sliced apples, is it false advertising?

u/cockneybastard

9. My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting, "Be positive," but it's hard without him.

u/professorf

10. The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said, "Happy...," and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said, "...40-second birthday." I was so proud.

u/amplifi-dash

11. I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?" I said, "That means it's pasture bedtime."

u/ArchipelagoMind

12. My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...she got mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again.

13. I broke up with my girlfriend of five years because I found out she was a communist. I should have known — there were red flags everywhere.

u/JBiff09

14. What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.

15. I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and now conducting himself properly.

u/AlabamaMayan

16. How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.

17. I built a model of Mount Everest, and my son asked, "Is it to scale?" I replied, "No…it’s to look at."

u/honolulu_oahu_mod

18. I tried to organize a professional hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.

u/porichoygupto

19. I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, "Can you describe the symptoms?" I replied, "Sure...they’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair."

u/madazzahatter

20. I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad, so I built them a small house. Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.

21. Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels!

GreenEggPage

22. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

23. I think the girl at the airline's check-in just threatened me. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Window or aisle?" I laughed in her face and replied, "Window or you’ll what?"

u/nandos677

24. I usually don’t believe politicians...everything the Canadian prime minister says is Trudeau!

Sabronis77

25. Humans are born with four kidneys. When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

u/NotObnoxious

26. Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.

27. "The average person is really mean."

u/o0oo00oo0o

28. Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree? They had a long conversation about bark.

29. "I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'"

30. Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up. Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.

u/Hana-Chi

31. Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old. Those are the years you're in your prime.

32. I'd never let my children watch the orchestra. There's too much sax and violins.

u/theDwarfed

33. My son told me he didn't understand cloning. I told him, "That makes two of us."

u/26326312

34. eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

u/Lord_Vile1

35. My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back.

36. I just saw my wife trip and fall while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes. I watched it all unfold.

u/porichoygupto

37. My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, "What’s wrong?" She screamed, "These contractions are going to kill me!" "I am sorry, honey," I replied. "What is wrong?"

u/Bakedschwarzenbach

38. I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.

39. My favorite time on the clock is 6:30. Hands down.

imabadassinmymind

40. That’s a pretty good ceiling. It’s not the best, but it’s up there!

papahet1

41. What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?

mayor123asdf

42. I have a Russian friend who’s a sound engineer. And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.

43. Why does an Irish chef only add 239 beans to his soup? [In a thick Irish brogue.] Because one more would be too farty!

pain_in_your_ass

44. What's green and smells like red paint? Green paint.

Algum

45. Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire.

46. Did you know that if a piano falls on you, your head will B-flat?

Vadelmayer44

47. I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, "Do you want to hear today’s special?" I said, "Yes, please," so he replied, "No problem, sir. Today is special."

48. Sex is like a card game. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

u/Swaggerkid_2005

49. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

Teswhaaat

50. Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate. They believe it's Pharaoh Roche.

u/woodceilingfan

51. My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back, "Sure, my door is always open."

52. Anytime I'm with a group of people where we have drinks served with straws, I'll pass out the straws one by one, and on the last one I say, "All right, that's the last straw!"

Klown1327

53. *Dad putting car in reverse.* "Ahh, this takes me back."

Hkatsupreme

54. "The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge."

u/Sur5er

"I bet they are excited about flattening the curve, though."

u/Hypno_98

55. Dad: "Nice shirt, is that felt?" Not Dad: "No." Dad: *reaches over and touches sleeve* "It is now!"

Cheese_Pancakes

56. At the park with my girls: "Dad, can we go play?" Me: "Sure, just stay away from those trees over there."Girls: "Umm...OK, why?" Me: "I don't know...they look a little shady to me."

Fleurdelis502

57. Host at a restaurant: “Do you have reservations?” Dad: “Yeah, but I think we’ll still eat here.”

OvaltineDeathFantasy

58. Dad: "Someone among us is an owl." Me: "Who?" Dad: *narrows eyes suspiciously*

Prestigious_Pringle

59. I love my furniture. My recliner and I go way back.

akaShadezz11

60. What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1.

61. I haven't been to the gym in so long I've gone back to calling it James.

damndingashrubbery

62. A magician was walking down the street. Then, he turned into a grocery store.

aworldwithoutshrimp

63. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? 
Because he was a little horse!

64. Three guys walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

Photon_Torpedophile

65. What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.

66. You know why you never see an elephant hiding in a tree? Because they’re very good at it.

Fo_eyed_dog

67. What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.

ProtectedCesc

68. You know Orion’s Belt? Big waist of space, huh? Didn’t like that joke? That’s okay...it’s only got 3 stars.

MoonBasic

69. I wanted to make a joke about leeches, but it sucked.

IncredibleCulk

70. Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in.

Vlaed

71. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!

72. Someone broke in last night and stole all my antidepressants. I hope they’re happy.

WhatAboutMason

73. I tell dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs.

Moleskin21

74. My wife just completed a 40-week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7 pounds, 12 ounces.

u/StuntsMonkey

75. What genre are national anthems? Country.

u/rupanath97

76. A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. "That’s one too many!" says the customer. The clerk replies, "It’s a freebie."

77. Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident? To the I.C.U.

u/AlabamaMayan

78. My grandfather survived pepper spray and mustard gas attacks in two wars...and came home to us a seasoned veteran.

u/HugoZHackenbush2

79. When I was a kid, I fell down on the sidewalk and the first thing my dad said was, "Is the sidewalk okay?"

80. I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper.

u/studentadvisor101

81. What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have handlebars, except for the duck.

civilesk

82. I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing. This is as close as I could get.

u/FinalCaveat

83. Why do ships in Norway have barcodes on their sides? So when they come into port, you can Scandinavian.

rachelp463623861

84. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food here."

85. Why can you never trust an atom? Because they make everything up.

rachelk4f0870d51

86. Why was the pediatrician always losing his temper? Because he had little patients!

87. What condition does a noodle have when it isn't feel like it's good enough? Impasta syndrome.

tarakwantk

88. Why can you never hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.

89. What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

emilyj4b36f6c19

90. What did the fish say when he hit the wall? "Dam!"

keelyg

91. What did the 0 say to the 8? "Nice belt."

Brittany

92. Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

93. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

jasminedeleon

94. What’s the scariest plant in the jungle? Bam-BOO.

lauran4e28a7dfb

95. A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "We don't serve string here." So the string goes outside, twists himself up a bit, kind of roughs up his ends and walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "Aren't you that little piece of string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string says, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."

96. What do clouds wear? Thunderwear.

97. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It's two tired.

98. A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

99. A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper said, "Why would you name a drink Charlie?"

100. Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

heatherrmp

101. The mama buffalo dropped off her son off at school. What did she say? "Bison!"

102. Why do cows have hooves? Because they lactose.

103. What happened to the exorcist's car? It got repossessed.

104. A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some lip balm — and put it on my bill."

105. What did the baby corn say to mama corn? "Where’s popcorn?"

106. I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

107. What did the grape say when it was crushed? Nothing—it just let out a little wine.

Donna_Coulling

108. When’s a door not a door? When it’s ajar.

109. My dad saw an ambulance barreling down the street with its siren blaring, then said, "They won't sell much ice cream driving that fast."

110. Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines!

111. Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field.

112. Me: "Dad, make me a sandwich!" Dad: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!"

113. The other day I saw a baguette in a cage. It was bread in captivity.

114. The first French fries were not fried in France. They were fried in Greece.

CoryRitter

115. My boyfriend and I were getting ready for our school gala when my boyfriend tried to sit down. My dad yelled, "Don’t sit down! You might cut yourself!” My boyfriend said, "What?" My dad then said, "Cause you’re looking sharp!”

116. My mom dropped a pea on the table and my dad said, “You peed on the table.”

shoptiffanyjean

117. Which days are the strongest? Saturdays and Sundays. The rest are weak days.

punforfun

118. I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it to roll up a joint. Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

119. I read a history of sandpaper recently. The guy who invented it wasn't sure how to go about it, but he had a rough idea.

First_Jimothy

120. The only thing flat Earthers have to fear...is sphere itself.

rallythedead

121. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

122. What's the difference between a pun and a dad joke? Puns are not always apparent.

BrodieNBCS

123. I don't consider myself hip. I'm like...shoulder.

u/popemichael

124. You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.

u/punstars

125. You've heard of Harrison Ford. Get ready for BaldDad Toyota.

u/Lukebekz

126. I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

127. I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids. I'm a faux pa.

u/TheCykaNeverStops

128. How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

129. My friend really changed once she became a vegetarian. It's like I've never seen herbivore.

u/ExpertAccident

130. What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

mochaqueen316

131. I saw a sign by the road that said "END ROAD WORK" and thought, Wow, people will protest anything these days.

chris_germano

132. Why did Karl Mark dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

133. I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza. I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature.

Tamahllama

134. Were does a dog go when he loses his tail? A retail store.

cooltureph_

135. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one. He's never gonna give you Up.

illustry1120

136. I sympathize with batteries. I’m never included in anything either.

u/jhabibs

137. What did the priest shout at the salad bar? LETTUCE PRAY!

u/anonymous

138. This old guy I knew would always say, "You know what really burns my ass?" He'd then hold his hand at butt level and say, "A fire about this high."

139. You can actually tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water. If they float, they're a boy ant.

u/kristhebrown

140. What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!

141. Why was the broom late? It overswept!

tracydavidson27

142. What concert costs only 45 cents? 50 Cent ft. Nickelback.

u/twofirstkinds

143. What did the triangle say to the circle? Your life has no point.

144. How does an octopus go to war? Well-armed.

145. What do you call a programmer with a cold? A hacker.

146. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.

147. Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!

148. Whenever we'd drive past a cemetery, my dad would say, "You know how many people are dead in that cemetery? All of them!"

149. Where did George Washington keep his armies? In his sleevies!

u/tikitessie

150. Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, "Do you know why I can’t be buried there?" And we all say, "Why not?" And he says, "Because I’m not dead yet!"

151. Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? He didn’t have the guts.

Gia_Vang

152. What did the horse say after it tripped? "Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup."

153. Where do college-aged vampires like to shop? Forever 21.

154. When my dad emerged from a lengthy trip to the toilet I asked, "Did you spray?" (as in did he spray the air freshener). His response? "Nah, it was solid."

155. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin.

MagazineofMaine

156. Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind…it’s tearable.

157. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

158. Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.

159. Why did everyone think Mr. Jones was rich? Because he gave every kid who came to his door 100 Grand.

160. What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

161. Why did the ghost take his new girlfriend to his hometown. He wanted his boo to see his old haunts.

162. What do you call two 100-year-old buffalo? Bison-tennial.

163. When my kids say, "Can I ask you a question?" I reply, "You just did."

164. If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days. It will be a sadder day.

u/mistermajik2000

165. Two satellite dishes got married. The wedding wasn't all that great but the reception was awesome!

u/Storm-Shadow

166. George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie. Clooney said, "I'll direct." Dicaprio said, "I'll produce." And McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

u/Chacha_Atcha

167. What do you call a crocodile that is a detective? An investi-gator.

168. What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter.

u/FlyingByNight

169. What do you do if you see a fireman? Put it out, man.

u/7in7

170. Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke, joke, jooooooooooke.

u/chucklesnatas

171. When at night do parents change the most diapers? In the wee wee hours.

172. I have submitted 10 jokes now trying to reach the front page...no pun in ten did.

u/Po1sonator

173. I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

174. What do you say to your sister when she's crying? "Are you having a crisis?"

u/BassWizard420

175. Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

176. What did sushi A say to sushi B? Wasabi!

177. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.

178. How does NASA organize a party? They planet.

u/jaypo822

179. My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it's also terrible.

u/itman290

180. What do we want? Low flying airplane noises. When do we want it? Neeeooooooow!

u/hamburgler007

181. A man walks into lawyer's office and asks, "How much for a consultation?" "Three questions for $150 bucks." "Kinda steep, isn't it?" "Yeah, now what's your last question."

u/ZinMan

182. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

183. How do you get an astronaut's baby to sleep? You rocket.

184. What do you call a magician who lost their magic? Ian.

u/anonymous

185. Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

u/TheAmericanWay1597

186. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.

u/JohnathanWickers

187. Why did the coffee call the police? It got mugged.

188. Why shouldn't you play board games in the savanna? There are too many cheetahs.

189. My dream job would be to clean mirrors. I could really see myself doing that.

190. Not Dad: "Are you alright?" Dad: "No, I’m half left."

191. Why don't vampires have any friends? Because they're a pain in the neck.

192. I don't buy Velcro shoes. They're a total rip-off.

193. How do you get in touch with a Roman architect? You column.

194. I like the name Brie, but it's a little cheesy.

195. Did you see they made round bales of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It's because the cows weren't getting a square meal.

196. My wife asked me to stop singing 'Wonderwall' to her. I said maybe.

Dadsaysjokes

197. What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

u/raydeep

198. Are you feeling cold? Sit in the corner, it is 90 degrees.

pwningprincess

199. I'm only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don't know why.

200. What do you call a group of baby soldiers? An infantry.

201. Do you know what a baby computer calls his old man? Data.

202. Why do we dress babies in onesies? Because they can't dress themselves.

203. A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things you will ever hear. Unless it is 3 am, you're home alone, and you don't have a baby.

204. Me: "Hey, I was thinking…
" My dad: "I thought I smelled something burning."

205. How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb? Is it one, or two? One.....or two? One.....or two?

DaddingAround

206. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

207. Who's bigger? Mrs. Bigger, Mr. Bigger, or their baby? Their baby — because he's a little Bigger.

208. Parent to her friend: "I'm exhausted. I was up with the baby until 4 a.m." Friend: "It's probably not good to keep a baby up that late."

209. What do you call a new baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.

210. Grocery store checker: "Paper or plastic?" Dad: "Either, I'm bisacktual."

211. Why can't a parent change a light bulb? Because they don't make diapers small enough.

212. There was a dad who tried to keep his wife happy through labor by telling jokes, but she didn't laugh once. Know why? It was the delivery.

213. What did the new parent say upon seeing "16-28 pounds" on the side of the diaper box? "That's one huge bowel movement."

214. How can you tell if a snake is a baby? It has a rattle.

215. We just bought our new dream house, and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww, sweetie...stairs don't talk!"

216. Did you hear what the couple who met while working at an instruction book company named their kid? Manuel.

217. How did the baby know she was ready to be born? She was running out of womb.

218. I can cut a piece of wood in half by just looking at it. I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.

u/ChewyNutCluster

219. Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!

220. Three unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.

u/Bomaworst69

221. Why did Karen press CTRL+ ALT+ DELETE? Because she wanted to see the task manager.

u/dixonjpeg

222. What do you call a dinosaur that asks a lot of deep questions? A philosiraptor.

u/cockneybastard