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    27 Tweets By Moms Who Somehow Weren't Nominated For "Mom Of The Year"

    Some moms make you wonder how they do it all. These are not them.

    1. This mom and her turn-ons:

    Me: Do that thing I like Husband: [takes the kids and leaves]

    2. This mom who needs to learn to share:

    Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown* Me: Sweetie, you need to share Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35

    3. This mom who has totally figured out screen time...sort of:

    Not to brag, but my kids just went 10 hours without electronics. It was from 9pm to 7am, but still.

    4. And this mom who took "screen time" in another direction:

    Screen time? My whole family is invested in helping my youngest finish seven seasons of her show before it leaves Netflix on Thursday. She’s on season six. Everybody is feeling the push, but we know she can do it.

    5. This mom who really needs to get off Twitter:

    I almost just said "Calm your tits" to my 3yo. Thanks, Twitter.

    6. This mom who can't wait for parent-teacher night:

    "TODAY I TELLED MY CLASS HOW SOMETIMES MY FARTS SMELL LIKE BURNT TOAST," said my son, the poster child for Teachers Don't Make Enough Money.

    7. This mom who is is just trying to make it to bedtime:

    That awkward moment when your child looks to you for wisdom and you're like, "Honey, I don't even know what day of the week it is."

    8. This mom who may never recover from embarrassment:

    We were in church and I pulled my toddler’s hand out of his pants and he screamed “I WAS MAKING MY PENIS BIG” and now I need a new church.

    9. This mom who sees you staring:

    when your toddler is irrationally attached to random household objects and you have to go in public and people give you strange looks and you're like, "Yes, I know my child is holding a whisk, shampoo bottle, a queen size fitted sheet, the dog's brush and a tap shoe. It's fine."

    10. This mom who is the definition of "savage":

    *screaming in agony after my son jumps on my stomach* Him: Do you need medicine? Me: Yes, birth control. But it's too late.

    11. This mom who probably shouldn't be counted on to bring the snacks to the soccer game:

    Other moms: “I got so much accomplished this weekend. It feels good to start the week organized!” Me: “Cool. I watched 15 Hallmark movies & I wore the same outfit all weekend.”

    12. This mom who dreams of being...somewhere else:

    8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be? Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv-- 8: I mean for Halloween Me: Oh, I don't know I haven't really thought about it

    13. This mom who is not pleased...ever:

    What the fuck is this? -me every time I walk into my kids' room

    14. This mom (and dad) who are having issues:

    I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

    15. This mom who has her own way of playing:

    It’s like a game of Marco Polo, except it’s my kids yelling “Mom” and me yelling “I’m in the bathroom.”

    16. This mom who is teaching her kids manners:

    Daughter: "Look Mommy, that nice man in the car next to us is waving to you..but with one finger." Me: "Awe how sweet, okay kids altogether now, let's wave back to him the same way."

    17. And this mom who is also, well, trying:

    One of my 3 year olds just politely shouted “Thank you! Bye bye, butthead!!”to the mailman as he drove away, so yes, I think all that time spent reinforcing manners is finally paying off.

    18. This mom who is honest about who she is:

    My house is a mess and so am I. If you’re into clean spaces and children who don’t scream, there’s nothing here for you.

    19. This mom who isn't here for bedtime B.S.:

    A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request "tell me a story" Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

    20. This mom who facepalmed in the pickup line:

    Well, my 9 year old “forgot” to wear underwear to school again today and I think that pretty much sums up how effective I am at parenting.

    21. This mom with seriously lowered expectations:

    What I thought I would say as a parent: "You are going to change the world." What I say as a parent: "Stop licking the window."

    22. This mom who probably isn't big on Pinterest:

    Follow my crafty mommy blog for great projects such as Pile of Books in Corner and Wrinkled Mass of Unfolded Clothes in Other Corner.

    23. This mom who is hanging on by a thread:

    The 4 yr old is wandering the house in a life jacket, crying b/c it's clipped. He also cried when I unclipped it. We don't even own a boat.

    24. This mom who really needs a date night:

    My husband and I shouted at the kids to go back to bed at the same time and that’s the closest we’ve come to a date night in weeks.

    25. This mom who is just hoping things work out:

    I'm the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

    26. This mom whose convo went south fast:

    Heard my 7yo call my 5yo a dick & I told her it isn’t a word she can say & she asked if she can say it when she’s 15 & I said no & she asked if she can say it when she’s an adult & I said no & she asked if she can say it in jail & I said if she goes to jail then she can say dick

    27. And this mom, whose priorities might be a little out of a whack:

    As parents, it’s imperative we pay more attention to our kids. They’re the best source for tweets.