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These Laugh Out Loud Parenting Tweets Will Make You Go, "So Damn Accurate"

"Most of parenting is unsuccessfully attempting to sit down."

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1. You must never let your guard down:

The most exciting thing about having kids is never knowing when they will decide to leap onto your body unexpectedly and injure you.

2. Seriously, vigilance is IMPORTANT:

If a 2nd grade boy sweetly asks to sit in your lap plz understand you're about to be farted on

3. Tea parties aren't as cute as you think:

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

4. There's bad news about your car's future:

Welcome to parenthood!!! The windows in your car will never be clean again.

5. We have bad news about your sartorial future, too:

Whatever clothing style parents are into when they have their first kid is the style they’re stuck in for the rest of their lives.

6. And it's, uh, not just your clothes:

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

7. You shouldn't expect kids to just clean their rooms:

8. Your snacking habits will change greatly:

Whenever I have a snack I turn on the faucet so my son doesn't hear the bag crinkle because parenting makes you a prisoner in your own home.

9. You'll be picking this off the floor...a lot:

Parenting tiny humans summed up in one photo.

10. You'll be doing these two things...a lot:

Parenting is basically asking whether people are wearing clean underwear, and wondering why the electric bill's so high.

11. Hell is other parents:

90% of parenting is doing just enough to keep other parents from judging you.

12. You'll get sick a lot more...for reasons that become obvious:

Gee I wonder why we're always sick I say as one kid has her bare feet in her mouth and the other one is licking the floor.

13. You shouldn't expect to sit down much:

Most of parenting is unsuccessfully attempting to sit down.

14. But you should expect to be picking up a lot of things:

Parenthood is like an endless game of 52 Card Pickup only the cards are screaming and on fire.

15. Shopping with kids will be...different:

90% of shopping with kids is spent apologizing to the people they walked into

16. You'll worry what your family will do without you:

Being sick as a mom gives you a glimpse into how your family would survive without you. Listen to me, they will not make it.

17. Get used to saying "Shh!" and "What?!" all the time:

My kids have two volume settings: 1) Incoherent mumbling 2) Instantly deafening

18. You will experience highs and lows:

Mom Truth #6: Some days you'll feel like you can conquer the world. Other days you'll nap in a pile of warm laundry fresh from the dryer.

19. This bedtime tip is reaaaaaaal:

Nobody is hungrier than a child who's just been told it's time for bed.

20. Packing for vacations will take a LOT of practice:

What's inside the family suitcase? •60% kids' clothes •20% kids' toys •10% kids' miscellaneous •9.9% mom's stuff •.1% dad's stuff

21. Don't expect a lot of help:

My kids know everything until I ask them to do something. They they’re all, “Get an envelope? What’s an envelope?”

22. And don't expect to get kudos for doing the right thing:

"You're a HORRIBLE parent!" - my daughter because I won't let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

23. Also, don't expect your toddler to make a lot of sense:

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

24. And finally, you won't really get parenting until you are a parent:

It's impossible to explain parenthood because most people without kids can't understand how someone could break everything you own, including your spirit, and you can still want to be around them.

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