1. What do you call a group of baby soldiers?
2. Parent #1: "Why is there a strange baby in the crib?"
Parent #2: "You told me to change the baby."
3. Do you know what a baby computer calls his old man?
4. Why do we dress babies in onesies?
Because they can't dress themselves.
5. A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things you will ever hear.
Unless it is 3 a.m., you're home alone, and you don't have a baby.
6. Who's bigger? Mrs. Bigger, Mr. Bigger, or their baby?
Their baby — because he's a little Bigger.
7. Parent to her friend: "I'm exhausted. I was up with the baby until 4 a.m."
Friend: "It's probably not good to keep a baby up that late."
8. What do you call a new baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
9. Why can't a parent change a light bulb?
Because they don't make diapers small enough.
10. How do you get an astronaut's baby to sleep?
11. When Chuck Norris was a baby he didn't have teddy bears. Know why?
He had real bears.
12. Random person to a parent holding two babies: "Hey! Are those twins?"
Parent: "Triplets, actually. I just leave the ugly one at home."
13. There was a dad who tried to keep his wife happy through labor by telling jokes, but she didn't laugh once. Know why?
It was the delivery.
14. What did the new parent say upon seeing "16-28 pounds" on the side of the diaper box?
"That's one huge bowel movement."
15. How can you tell if a snake is a baby?
It has a rattle.
16. Did you hear what the couple who met while working at an instruction book company named their kid?
17. How did the baby know she was ready to be born?
She was running out of womb.
18. When at night do parents change the most diapers?
In the wee wee hours.
19. What did the buffalo say to his baby boy when paternity leave was over?