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    23 Hilariously Dumb Tweets That Are Perfect In How Stupid They Are

    Guaranteed to shave off a few I.Q. points.

    You, of course, are an incredibly erudite and sophisticated individual.

    But even the smartest people can enjoy a dumb tweet, amirite? So sit your brilliant butt down and enjoy these sublimely stupid groaners:


    Son, it's time I told you about the Applebirds and the Applebee's. *pumps a mozzarella stick through an onion ring until we get kicked out*


    scientist: dick bug other scientist: no scientist: penis beetle other scientist: no scientist: cock roach other scientist: ok sure


    [dolphin taking scantron test] A B C D E 1. [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️] 2. [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️] 3. [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️] 4. [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️] 5. [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]


    *knock knock* "Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately" "But I'm having a poo" "We know sir, the phone box has glass sides"


    Hi, my name's Ray. I'll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun. *misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*


    🎶Welcome to the jungle We've got lots of trees We've got everything you want If that thing is trees🎶


    me: I've got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get barber: ok [later] her: you look nice barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too


    BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday [1 a.m. thursday night] ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped


    Judge: You're out of order! Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order! *I burst in* Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER


    [Funeral] Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?" Widow: "Please do" Me *clears throat: "Plethora!" Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."


    TSA agent: Please remove all footwear [moments later] TSA agent: Not mine, sir


    POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but... SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going


    Baby shoes doo doo doo-doo do-doo Baby shoes doo doo doo-doo do-doo Baby shoes Shoes for sale doo doo doo-doo do-doo Shoes for sale doo doo doo-doo do-doo Shoes for sale Never worn doo doo doo-doo do-doo Never worn doo doo doo-doo do-doo Never worn


    ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB


    ME: i would like to open a checking account BANKER: would you like a savings account too? ME: no BANKER: okay, just checking


    [banging on door] Help! My son is being held hostage! They're demanding 738 plastic grocery bags or-- Me: *grabbing my bag of bags* so who's the hero now, Jen


    First person to eat a banana: this is not good First person to peel a banana: dude guess what


    [closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don't think Waldo is in there


    [wakes up with a hangover] uhh what happened last night [Carrot Top in bed beside me] Good morning [Me] Carrot Top my love, what happened


    ME: Can I buy some quack 😀 DRUG DEALER [who is a duck]: YOU THINK THIS IS A FUCKING GAME


    [getting urine test results] You've tested positive for opiates- ME: probably the bagel I had -and THC, cocaine, steroids, and also you're pregnant ME: it was an everything bagel


    She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly. He (sigh): Ok It's...your "signature sex move" She: Judgmental Corpse?


    "Can I pet your dog?" Sure, his bark's worse than his bite [dog bites three fingers off] "WHAT THE" [dog barks so hard the sun explodes]

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