1. This mom with seriously lowered expectations:
What I thought I would say as a parent: "You are going to change the world." What I say as a parent: "Stop licking the window."
2. This mom who (almost) kept a straight face:
Pediatrician: They're only getting two hours of screen time a day, right? Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
3. This mom who really needs a break:
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
4. And this dad who really needs one too:
I spent 20 minutes, 20. Fucking. Minutes. Convincing my kid to wear a coat, but yeah, congrats on your pregnancy.
5. This mom who may never recover from embarrassment:
We were in church and I pulled my toddler’s hand out of his pants and he screamed “I WAS MAKING MY PENIS BIG” and now I need a new church.
6. This mom (and dad) who are having issues:
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
7. This mom who is hanging on by a thread:
The 4 yr old is wandering the house in a life jacket, crying b/c it's clipped. He also cried when I unclipped it. We don't even own a boat.
8. This dad who isn't lying:
Becoming a parent is like playing a video game where you've skipped the tutorial & you're just running about with no idea how anything works
9. This mom who looks on the bright side:
Parenting: When you get to wake up everyday thinking, "maybe today will be the day I die of exhaustion."
10. This mom who can't wait for parent-teacher night:
"TODAY I TELLED MY CLASS HOW SOMETIMES MY FARTS SMELL LIKE BURNT TOAST," said my son, the poster child for Teachers Don't Make Enough Money.
11. This mom who probably isn't big on Pinterest:
Follow my crafty mommy blog for great projects such as Pile of Books in Corner and Wrinkled Mass of Unfolded Clothes in Other Corner.
12. This dad who ruined Christmas:
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
13. And this dad who ruined Halloween (probably):
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad? me: Drunk 9: What's mom gonna be? me: Mad
14. This mom who got her signals crossed:
Dropped my kids off at the dry cleaners and my shirts off at soccer. #RunningOnFumes #WingingIt #MomLife
15. This mom who really needs to get off Twitter:
I almost just said "Calm your tits" to my 3yo. Thanks, Twitter.
16. This mom who is just hoping things work out:
I'm the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
17. This dad who isn't sugarcoating things:
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I'm on the computer* What game are you playing? Me: Pay the bills. 5: Are you winning? Me: No.
18. This mom who is just trying to get through the day (whichever day it is):
That awkward moment when your child looks to you for wisdom and you're like, "Honey, I don't even know what day of the week it is."
19. This mom who has her fingers crossed:
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we're so cultured and not bc she's basically been raised by Peppa Pig
20. This mom whose convo went south fast:
Heard my 7yo call my 5yo a dick & I told her it isn’t a word she can say & she asked if she can say it when she’s 1… https://t.co/MNksqej4kr
21. And these parents who are throwing in the towel:
Husband: So we've basically given up. Me: On what? H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.