1. This mom's ode to the joys of family:
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
2. This dad with questionable coping skills:
*me, at liquor store “Hi. I have to attend three kids parties this weekend. What would you suggest?”
3. And this dad who isn't even hiding his:
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad? me: Drunk 9: What's mom gonna be? me: Mad
4. This mom who is feeling super appreciated:
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
5. Like, SUPER appreciated:
4yo from the other room: I love you, Mama. Me: Aww, I love you too! 4, angrily: No, that was my doll saying it to her mommy!
6. This dad who is the definition of "savage":
I don’t secretly steal my kids’ Halloween candy. I eat it right in front of them while maintaining eye contact. Total power move.
7. And this dad who is like, "Hold my beer":
wife: He picked a ninja costume. Pretend you can't see him son [standing in front of the fridge] me *hits him in the face with the door*
8. Speaking of savage, there's this mom's kid:
@bluetoototwo @fuggirls @callinlexie @chrissyteigen When my son was 4, he told me me hair was an abomination. Stunned, I asked him what that meant. He said “something I don’t like”
9. This "glorious" vision of marriage after kids:
My wife grabbed my butt last night, not to be sexy, but because she was checking a diaper in her dreams. We've been parents for too long.
10. And this one:
I just told my husband “Hang on; I have to go potty”, in case you wondered how having six kids affects a marriage.
11. This mom who should be afraid:
Dropped my youngest at her first day of preschool today and swear I heard her whisper "none of your secrets are safe" as I walked away...
12. And this mom whose kid might be BFFs with the kid in the previous tweet:
I’m not saying kids ruin your life, I’m just saying mine told her teacher all about my chin hair.
13. This dad who is looking out for number one:
Son: dad there’s a monster in my room, can I sleep in here? Me: look it’s you he’s after, why make him my problem too?
14. This mom who starts her day optimistically:
Parenting: When you get to wake up everyday thinking, "maybe today will be the day I die of exhaustion."
15. This dad who isn't feeling your pregnancy announcement:
I spent 20 minutes, 20. Fucking. Minutes. Convincing my kid to wear a coat, but yeah, congrats on your pregnancy.
16. This mom who served up a dish of cold revenge:
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school. **orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
17. This tweet that's not at all relatable because none of us let our kids watch YouTube, no:
My friend's toddler babbled "don't forget to subscribe" as he was put to bed. Kid watches so much YouTube he thought it means "goodbye"
18. Ryan Reynolds (aka Deadpool himself), whose joke will make you go, "Too far!":
My daughter loves being buried up to her neck in sand at the beach. Her little face lights up when I come back to get her the next day.
19. And this mom who knows that in the end it will, uh, all pay off:
@chrissyteigen I asked my 6year old son if he'll visit me when I'm old. He told me to get a Life Alert bracelet instead. 😕