4. Be late.
When you have kids you’ll know that no one cares if you have to get yourself and your kids ready, spend half an hour looking for a lost shoe, and load everyone into the car. All they care about is whether you’re on time. And you will be, gosh darn it!
12. Not know what’s happening in pop culture.
Parents are so embarrassing when they can’t namecheck the new model Leonardo Dicaprio is dating! You, on the other hand, will spend a couple hours researching this stuff after you spend a couple hours cleaning. That’ll put your bedtime at about 3 a.m., but it’ll be worth it. Just remember…no complaining about being tired!
13. Use “mean” discipline.
Parents are so mean to their kids, but you won’t be! You’re going to appeal to your kid’s sense of logic. For example, if your kid throws a fit because he wants a sugary cereal, you’ll explain that the cereal is unhealthy, and that it’s in their best interest to eat bran flakes instead!
15. Let my kids eat unhealthy food.
Your kid is going to love to eat vegetables, and not vegetables with cheese either, but raw ones! You’re also going to include each food group at every meal, and only serve organic and free-range foods. Can’t wait to see how that works out for you!
16. Eat out with my kids.
As opposed to all of the rude parents who force people to be in the presence of their kids at restaurants, you’re going to hire a babysitter whenever you want to eat out. That’s right. Another one. How much exactly do you plan to budget for babysitters?
18. Be so concerned with schedule.
Don’t you hate it when a parent has to leave early to get their kid to bed on schedule? Well, you won’t ever do that. You’ll hang out another hour and just suck it up the next day when your kid is a cranky, tantrum-throwing little a-hole!
- It's the third day of the Democratic National Convention. Here's where things stand 🇺🇸