1.
I just found spaghetti in our heating ducts if any of you were thinking of having children.
2.
Whenever I have a snack I turn on the faucet so my son doesn't hear the bag crinkle because parenting makes you a prisoner in your own home.
3.
I didn't even know I could screw up a scrambled egg. But here we are & my daughter is loudly telling her dolls that's exactly what I've done
4.
4yo: "Daaaaddy! I need your help! I'm in the bathroom! I tried to practice wiping my own butt!" Me: "How'd it go?" 4yo: "Not too good." Oh.
5.
Nonparent: My apartment’s so cluttered. I really need to sort my mail. Parent: We have a child’s toilet in the living room.
6.
Apparently a 2 year old getting her hair washed and an exorcism sound oddly similar.
7.
"How was your vacation?" "I didn't go on vacation. I was babysitting my kids while they were on vacation."
8.
+ What’s it like being a dad? - Ever watch a 26 minute video of trains going by? + Is that a metaphor? - Not a metaphor.
9.
Waiter: Can I start you with something to drink sir? Me: Yeah, what pairs best with 2 kids who are slowly sucking my will to live?
10.
if my kid pushed any more buttons, I'd be an elevator..
11.
"No man in his own home should have to choose between Frozen or Barbie band-aids" I yell to no one in particular.
12.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can't unfollow.
13.
Kids are the best, especially if you enjoy listening to people whine all day about how hungry they are but who then refuse to eat anything.
14.
I can't tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
15.
I've been carrying an acorn in my pocket for 3 months; I never know when my son might want it back & I want to avoid a meltdown. PARENTING!
16.
I have a wife & 2 daughters, all I want is 1 morning where someone isn't walking around the house on the verge of tears looking for a shoe.
17.
4yo: Did Mommy say it was ok? Me: Daddy said it was ok, and Daddy's in charge 4yo: *whispers* not all the time
18.
My daughter took a three minute nap today which apparently means she never needs to sleep again.
19.
Me: You can't like Kylo Ren. He killed his dad. 5-year-old: Maybe he deserved it. I'm never sleeping again.