19 Motherfucking Funny Moms Who Are Barely Keeping It Together

    ...or who've already lost their grip.


    My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, "Mommy has a drinking problem".


    7yo: Why can't I have coffee? Me: It'll make u even more energetic than u already are 7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!


    My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.


    Parenting is fun if you're into things like cooking for people who aren't hungry.


    I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids.


    If you haven't used a juice box as a chaser, then you probably haven't reached your lowest point in parenting yet.


    Apparently muttering "how about a shutthefuckupasaurus" after the 839th dinosaur question doesn't get you a Parent of the Year award.


    Saturday morning wake up: 6:30am Sunday morning wake up: 5:47am Monday morning: 8:12am still sleeping & missed the bus -my kids


    We plan to be kind patient moms who accept our kids exactly as they are then we see them take 45 mins to eat a goddamn bowl of Lucky Charms.


    It's fucking exhausting when my kids have their friends over and I have to act like I'm a good parent.


    Stay in school, kids. No, I mean really. Don't come home. We need a break.


    Let's play a game called How Many Times Will Mommy Repeat Herself Before She Loses Her Shit?


    When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid's hand right up to their first drug deal.


    What I say: Get dressed Brush teeth Get in the car What my kids hear: Have a snack Shriek like monkeys Open 3 umbrellas indoors Go poop


    Before I had kids, I didn't even know it was possible to destroy an entire house with a granola bar.


    Me:"If you ever give me another gift with 'some assembly required', you're dead to us." 6:*writing thank you card* But, um.. Me: Write it!


    Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don't have to share.


    Daughter: You're invading my personal space Mom: You came out of my personal space


    New plan. Instead of exercising & eating better, I'm just going to tell everybody I'm 4 months pregnant. For the rest of my life.