Parents

19 Motherfucking Funny Moms Who Are Barely Keeping It Together

...or who've already lost their grip.

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1.

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, "Mommy has a drinking problem".

2.

7yo: Why can't I have coffee? Me: It'll make u even more energetic than u already are 7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

3.

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

4.

Parenting is fun if you're into things like cooking for people who aren't hungry.

5.

I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids.

6.

If you haven't used a juice box as a chaser, then you probably haven't reached your lowest point in parenting yet.

7.

Apparently muttering "how about a shutthefuckupasaurus" after the 839th dinosaur question doesn't get you a Parent of the Year award.

8.

Saturday morning wake up: 6:30am Sunday morning wake up: 5:47am Monday morning: 8:12am still sleeping & missed the bus -my kids

9.

We plan to be kind patient moms who accept our kids exactly as they are then we see them take 45 mins to eat a goddamn bowl of Lucky Charms.

10.

It's fucking exhausting when my kids have their friends over and I have to act like I'm a good parent.

11.

Stay in school, kids. No, I mean really. Don't come home. We need a break.

12.

Let's play a game called How Many Times Will Mommy Repeat Herself Before She Loses Her Shit?

13.

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid's hand right up to their first drug deal.

14.

What I say: Get dressed Brush teeth Get in the car What my kids hear: Have a snack Shriek like monkeys Open 3 umbrellas indoors Go poop

15.

Before I had kids, I didn't even know it was possible to destroy an entire house with a granola bar.

16.

Me:"If you ever give me another gift with 'some assembly required', you're dead to us." 6:*writing thank you card* But, um.. Me: Write it!

17.

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don't have to share.

18.

Daughter: You're invading my personal space Mom: You came out of my personal space

19.

New plan. Instead of exercising & eating better, I'm just going to tell everybody I'm 4 months pregnant. For the rest of my life.