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    Posted on Sep 6, 2016

    19 Motherfucking Funny Moms Who Are Barely Keeping It Together

    ...or who've already lost their grip.


    My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, "Mommy has a drinking problem".


    7yo: Why can't I have coffee? Me: It'll make u even more energetic than u already are 7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!


    My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.


    Parenting is fun if you're into things like cooking for people who aren't hungry.


    I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids.


    If you haven't used a juice box as a chaser, then you probably haven't reached your lowest point in parenting yet.


    Apparently muttering "how about a shutthefuckupasaurus" after the 839th dinosaur question doesn't get you a Parent of the Year award.


    Saturday morning wake up: 6:30am Sunday morning wake up: 5:47am Monday morning: 8:12am still sleeping & missed the bus -my kids


    We plan to be kind patient moms who accept our kids exactly as they are then we see them take 45 mins to eat a goddamn bowl of Lucky Charms.


    It's fucking exhausting when my kids have their friends over and I have to act like I'm a good parent.


    Stay in school, kids. No, I mean really. Don't come home. We need a break.


    Let's play a game called How Many Times Will Mommy Repeat Herself Before She Loses Her Shit?


    When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid's hand right up to their first drug deal.


    What I say: Get dressed Brush teeth Get in the car What my kids hear: Have a snack Shriek like monkeys Open 3 umbrellas indoors Go poop


    Before I had kids, I didn't even know it was possible to destroy an entire house with a granola bar.


    Me:"If you ever give me another gift with 'some assembly required', you're dead to us." 6:*writing thank you card* But, um.. Me: Write it!


    Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don't have to share.


    Daughter: You're invading my personal space Mom: You came out of my personal space


    New plan. Instead of exercising & eating better, I'm just going to tell everybody I'm 4 months pregnant. For the rest of my life.

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