Upright Citizen's Brigade teacher/performer Doug Moe was a stay-at-home dad, so he knows about the major horrors of parenting — like weird poo, sleep deprivation, and whining. There are other horrors, though, that no one talks about. Doug Moe / Via manvchild.com In his new book, Man Vs. Child: One Dad’s Guide to the Weirdness of Parenting, Moe lays out the minor annoyances that cumulatively drive you mad. Each alone is no big deal, but together they are like a thousand tiny cuts. Doug Moe / Via manvchild.com You know, stuff like: 1. Kids jump on top of you with no warning. Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF giphy.com 2. They drop ice cream on the ground, even when you warn them to be careful, and then they want a new one. And another new one when that one falls! Flickr: waferboard / Via Creative Commons 3. They make you desperately scrounge around in your pockets for quarters so they can ride those mechanical horses in front of grocery stores. Flickr: nanpalmero / Via Creative Commons 4. When you hold hands to walk down the street, they keep pulling on your arm, almost knocking you over. Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Paramount 5. They want to be carried. Then they want to be put down. Then they want to be picked up again! Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF ABC 6. They fish “art projects” out of the garbage that you tried to throw away behind their backs. Spohr/BuzzFeed 7. You have to buy something for them whenever you go anywhere — better plan an extra $2–$10 kid-junk budget for every outing. Warner Bros. Or say "no" and deal with a whiny child the rest of the day. Good time! 8. They hit other kids right in front of you, so you have to address it. Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Comedy Central 9. They steal toys at the playground from other kids, but in really obvious ways. No finesse. Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF giphy.com 10. They go around and around you forever. Stop it! Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF NBC 11. They make you carry a million little things for them, each of which, if lost, would be a tragedy of epic proportions. Flickr: chirag / Via Creative Commons 12. They get their fingers pinched in doors. And in cabinets. And in strollers, high chairs, and basically everywhere. Stop putting your fingers in places! youtube.com 13. You make hot food for them and then they forget about it and it gets cold and then they want it heated again. Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF Fox 14. They lean on you all the time like they have no center of gravity, getting their sweaty, icky faces on you. Comedy Central 15. They wanted a big-kid bed and now they don’t want to sleep in it. Flickr: doe_john / Via Creative Commons 16. They skip naps, then get cranky and fall asleep on the way home and ruin bedtime too. Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF NBC 17. They want to know if “we’re there yet” after only a few minutes in the car. Columbia Pictures 18. They feel “car sick” so you pull over to take a break. But then they feel carsick again and again, so you stop taking breaks. Then they throw up. Tap to play or pause GIF Tap to play or pause GIF TBS 19. At bedtime, they “aren’t tired” and “can’t sleep.” How is that possible?! Fox Man vs. Child: One Dad’s Guide to the Weirdness of Parenting is available now.