Upright Citizen's Brigade teacher/performer
Doug Moe was a stay-at-home dad, so he knows about the major horrors of parenting — like weird poo, sleep deprivation, and whining. There are other horrors, though, that no one talks about.
Kids jump on top of you with no warning.
They drop ice cream on the ground, even when you warn them to be careful, and then they want a new one. And another new one when that one falls!
They make you desperately scrounge around in your pockets for quarters so they can ride those mechanical horses in front of grocery stores.
When you hold hands to walk down the street, they keep pulling on your arm, almost knocking you over.
They want to be carried. Then they want to be put down. Then they want to be picked up again!
They fish “art projects” out of the garbage that you tried to throw away behind their backs.
You have to buy something for them whenever you go
anywhere — better plan an extra $2–$10 kid-junk budget for every outing.
They hit other kids right in front of you, so you have to address it.
They steal toys at the playground from other kids, but in really obvious ways. No finesse.
They go around and around you forever. Stop it!
They make you carry a million little things for them, each of which, if lost, would be a tragedy of epic proportions.
They get their fingers pinched in doors. And in cabinets. And in strollers, high chairs, and basically everywhere. Stop putting your fingers in places!
You make hot food for them and then they forget about it and it gets cold and then they want it heated again.
They lean on you all the time like they have no center of gravity, getting their sweaty, icky faces on you.
They wanted a big-kid bed and now they don’t want to sleep in it.
They skip naps, then get cranky and fall asleep on the way home and ruin bedtime too.
They want to know if “we’re there yet” after only a few minutes in the car.
They feel “car sick” so you pull over to take a break. But then they feel carsick again and again, so you stop taking breaks. Then they throw up.
At bedtime, they “aren’t tired” and “can’t sleep.” How is that possible?!