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Parents

17 Things You Should Never To Say To A Pregnant Person If You Value Your Life

Warning: Open your big dumb mouth at your own risk.

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1. “Oh, I know exactly what you’re talking about. When we were preparing to bring home our new puppy, I...”

Erin Williams

TOTALLY! Remember, when you were getting ready to welcome your puppy

and started thinking, "But what if I poop on a table in front of several strangers and the person I’m supposed to have sex with again at some point?" The WORST, right?

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3. “Enjoy every moment! You’ll miss this time when it’s over!”

This is virtually always uttered to a pregnant person who is either vomiting, crying, or experiencing the total desolation of trying to figure out how to put together a fucking bouncy seat.

5. “Calm down.”

Do not say this to a pregnant person. It will not work.

6. “Have you heard that completely natural water births increase the chances of your child attending an Ivy League school by 10,000%? You should look into that.”

Erin Williams

You got it! Right after we sign the part of the hospital paperwork that says "GIVE ME THE DRUGS AND ALL OF THEM PLEASE."

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7. “You know, you really shouldn’t eat that.”

Oh, shoot. Hold on just one sec while I regurgitate it.

8. “You know, you really need to be taking holy basil leaf supplements/adjusting your omega-3 intake/infusing elderberry extract into your morning decaf matcha.”

10. “Whoa, are you sure that’s okay for the baby?”

No, she's not sure, because according to the Internet everything is bad for the baby including eating, sleeping, and breathing, and this question only adds additional levels of panic to a person who has already Googled herself into apoplexy.

11. “Are you sure there’s just one in there?! Hahahaha!”

Hilarious.

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14. “So are you freaked out about pushing a watermelon through your vagina?”

Yes. The answer is yes. You do not need to ask this question.

15. “Here, have some vodka!” <Laughs hysterically> “Just kidding.”

Erin Williams

No one who has spent months listening to their mother-in-law give her birthing advice while stone-cold sober will find this even remotely funny.

16. You look ready to pop!”

Whatever a pregnant person does after you say this to her is acceptable, up to and including taking you the fuck down.

17. “Oops, I think Carol ate the last Boston Creme Donut.”

Erin Williams

Carol needs to hop on over to the donut shop and pick up another Boston Creme for the pregnant lady if Carol knows what’s good for her.

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